Life After 200
by happysunshine01
Summary: Two months after her captivity, JJ returns to the BAU. But her transition from captivity back into normal life hasn't been going as planned as she struggles with the images that still haunt her. (Spoilers for 200)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Since watching the 200th episode, I have been wondering how JJ is going to come back to the team. I am afraid the writers are just going to pretend that she's fine, but after everything she went through, I don't believe she can come back to work as if nothing happened. So that's where this story is coming from. It might stay a one-shot, or I might add more chapters.

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

''**Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.''**

**~ Arnold Schwarzenegger**

* * *

He watched her from a distance as she walked into the bullpen. The look on her face was as if everything had gone back to normal. She greeted every team member with open arms and a smile on her face. But Hotch couldn't help but feel that she was hiding her true pain. He had seen it with Emily, not to mention that he did it himself. The ordeal with Foyet chased him for months, and he just pretended like he was fine. But he wasn't and neither was JJ.

He had seen what Askari did to his victims. He used all the standard torture techniques and Hotch knew exactly what that meant. He couldn't even imagine how she managed to get through it, but there she was. In the bullpen surrounded by her friends. Her family.

In the past two months he hadn't been able to escape the images of JJ's throat nearly being slashed. If they had been one second later, Askari would've killed her and the team would've lost another member. He would've lost her. He couldn't imagine what that would've been like. So he forced himself away from the window and to the door. He opened it slowly and leaned on the catwalk and gave Rossi a small smile as he hugged JJ.

JJ pulled away from Rossi and walked to her desk slowly but surely. She put down her purse and looked up at the catwalk, making eye contact with her boss. She gave him a weak smile because it felt like he was looking right through her. His face was as stoic as ever. She just couldn't help but wonder why he had barely talked to her in the past few weeks. She had been in contact with everyone but him. He only responded to her email when she asked for two months off before she returned to duty.

''JJ, do you mind coming into my office for a moment?'' Hotch asked simply. He received a nod from JJ so he turned around and walked into his office. He closed the door behind him when JJ stepped inside. ''Have a seat.'' he offered.

She took a seat on the end of his couch as he sat down in a chair that was next to her. She could feel the slight tension between them. She didn't know why, but he almost looked upset about something. ''I wanted to thank you for everything you did.'' JJ blurted out to break the silence between them.

''You don't have to thank me!''

She moved to the edge of her seat, gathering herself. To keep herself from falling apart in front of him. She had been keeping all of her pain and fears inside for weeks, and she didn't know how much longer that was going to last. ''You saved my life, Hotch. If you and Emily had come into that room a second later, I would've been dead.'' she croaked out. ''You saved me…''

''I would do it all over again, JJ.'' he said. ''You're a part of this family, of this team and losing you would be unbearable for all of us. Too much has happened.''

She turned her gaze to the floor, acknowledging his words. She felt truly guilty for never telling them about her time away from them. It was another lie that could threaten to tear the family apart. Lying about Emily had been hard enough and the consequences were harsh. It took Reid a while to forgive and move on from the pain he had experienced because of the loss of a friends.

''I just need to know how you are, JJ.'' Hotch whispered as he eyes snapped up to meet his. ''How are you?''

''I am good.'' she lied as a fake smile appeared on her face.

Hotch moved to the edge of his seat, prepared to do whatever it took for JJ to be comfortable. He could easily see she was lying. The weak smile and the pain in her blue eyes gave it all away. ''Oh come on, JJ!'' he said. ''I might not have been helping you out of the chains because I was with Cruz, but I saw you!'' he croaked out with pain in his voice. He had seen it, and wanted to give JJ time to talk about it herself, but she hadn't. With anyone. ''I saw you.''

She put her arms on her knees and rested hear head on her hands as the first tear slipped from her eyes. ''Please, don't!'' she begged.

''JJ, your shirt and trousers were unbuttoned when we came into the room.'' he breathed out. Everything inside of him felt sick at the thought of what Askari or Hastings did to the sweet woman he knew. But killing them was no longer an option. They were dead, yet there was still a part of him that felt angry, enraged even.

A chill coursed through her body. She felt his hands on her body all over again. Touching her stomach, grazing her breasts as he unbuttoned her blouse and opened her trousers. The memory and feeling sickened her. She wished she could forget the sound of her own voice as she told Matt that she fine. She wasn't fine. But he saved her from far worse. ''Nothing happened, Hotch.''

''Good.'' he said. ''I just want you to know that you can talk to me whenever you want to!''

''Thank you!'' JJ said as she was about to stand up, but the voice of her boss stopped her.

''I am going to tell you the same thing, I told Emily when she returned.'' he announced with concern. ''When you have a bad day, I want you to come to me.''

''Of course.'' she said as she rose from the chair. She had wiped the tears away, hoping Hotch hadn't seen it. But from the look on his face he had seen them.

''JJ, I would like to think that I know you and that we're friends.'' he said as she turned around. ''Right now, you don't look fine to me. You're hiding your pain and I can't let you into the field like this.''

''Hotch,'' she began as she folded her arms across her chest as if she was trying to protect herself. ''This job is all I have to keep me sane right now. Please, don't take this away from me!''

He walked towards her and stopped at an appropriate distance when he was across from her. ''After Foyet stabbed me, I went back to work because I believed it would help me, but it didn't. I was on edge, I put the team on the line and I put my own life in danger.'' he explained with a saddened expression. He never talked about his experience with Foyet. Not to anyone. ''I know what it's like to dive into work too quickly. It isn't the right way.''

Hotch watched as she froze in the spot she stood. Her face went cold and he immediately knew she was distancing herself from him, from the truth. He couldn't put JJ in the field when she hadn't worked through her problems, but even he knew she would never forget it. She would eventually learn to live with it, but she was never going to forget the horror she had to face. She was betrayed by the people she trusted. She was tortured by them, and nearly raped. No one would get over that. ''JJ, talk to me!'' he pleaded, putting every ounce of emotion into his voice. And it worked. JJ's eyes met his and for the first time, he saw the tears falling down her face.

''I feel like I am in this haze, you know. Like a part of me is here, but at the same time I'm not.'' she whispered as she stumbled through the words. Her sight was blurry as the tears kept coming. ''Will believes I am fine. He believes I told him everything. He thinks I am happy and back to normal.''

Hotch stepped forward and pulled her into his embrace. He felt her head on his shoulders, and her shaking body in his arms. He wished he could've held her when he was standing next to the ambulance. She looked so broken, so tired, so hurt. He just didn't want to cross a certain line with his subordinate. But now they were in private and it felt appropriate to console her. ''I am so sorry, JJ!'' he whispered against her hair. ''I wish you didn't have to go through all of that.''

The warm embrace did JJ a lot of good. It made her realize that people cared enough to help her, to talk to her and to just be there for her when things became hard.

''Do you want to sit down?'' he asked, his voice warm and tender. He received a nod, so he led her back to the couch and waited for her to sit down. He sat down next to her.

She turned her head up to look at him. ''I can't sleep.'' she admitted. ''When I close my eyes, I see his face. I feel his hands on my body and I feel the pain I went through. The electrocution, the waterboarding, the drugs…'' she cried out. ''I relive it every night. I am so afraid in my own home and in my own bed.'' she went on in tears. She felt Hotch take her hand and he squeezed it softly as breathed in and out with difficulty. ''Those people took everything from me. My sense of security, my trust, my home and my baby.''

''What? Your baby?'' Hotch repeated in complete shock. ''Were you pregnant?''

She nodded. ''I was pregnant in Afghanistan, but I lost the baby in an ambush.''

''So, that's why Cruz said it was personal for you?'' he guessed.

''Yeah,''

''I am so sorry.'' he said again. He didn't know what else he could say to her. He felt blessed enough that JJ opened up to him. He wanted to help her with whatever she needed. She deserved that much from him. ''You can come back to work, but when we go out into the field, I want you to stay with me. How does that sound?''

''That's great!'' she said as she smiled through the tears. ''Thanks, Hotch.''

''You never have to thank me. I am glad that you're here, JJ.'' he said, rising from the couch. ''I'll give you a minute. We're in the conference room when you're ready.''

''Sure,'' she said. She watched him leave his own office to give her some space. She felt relieved and a little better, but she realized her recovery was still far away. She was going to need a lot of time to heal from what she went through. And talking to Hotch had given her a new perspective. It felt right to talk to him. It cleared her mind for a bit. She just hoped she could do the same with Will.

* * *

''**Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.****''**

**~ John Barrymore**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I am so happy with the response I got to the first chapter. Thanks to everyone who read, favorited, followed or read this story! It means the world to me.

This story is based on a JJ/Hotch friendship, and as some of you know most of my stories are with them as a pairing. So I can turn this story into a JJ/Hotch romance, but I won't do that if you guys don't like it. So let me know what you guys want to see, a friendship or a romance.

Special thanks to KatieThomas'95, jenny crum, guest, atl-criminal33, K8e1, guest and Christiangirl!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

''**When you're up, your friends know who you are. When you're down, you know who your friends are.''**

**~ Uknown**

* * *

She lay on the bed, her head still spinning from the day's events. It was the worst case for her to come back to. She couldn't stop picturing the way the victims had been tortured, only so the unsub could derive pleasure from it. It sickened her. And seeing the bodies didn't help. It only made everything worse than she thought it could be. She believed she would be fine when she'd return to work, but that sense turned out to be completely wrong. It was the exact opposite.

Five women. Five women had been abducted, tortured, and murdered. Their bodies had been scattered all over Dallas, like they were trash and had no meaning to anyone. But the killer couldn't be more wrong. They meant nothing to him. But the women had families. They were mothers, sisters, daughters and friends. Their lives had been taken away for nothing. Just for one man to enjoy himself for a short period of time before he moved on to his next victim.

Now more than ever, JJ wondered why. Why? How? Those questions were burned into her brain. Who was responsible for creating the monster they were dealing with? She wondered how she had been able to do this job for nearly nine years and not be affected by the horror they faced. They saw the worst humanity had to offer week in and week out. And now, she couldn't help but look at it in a completely different way. She always empathized with their victims, but now she could feel the pain they suffered. The fear they had gone through. And the feeling of giving up on life, and everyone you love.

The shrilling sound of her cellphone tore her from her haze. She sat straight up and saw the caller ID. It was Hotch, of course. She had accepted his deal to talk to him and to be near him in the field, but his concern had gone crazy. Well, that was what she thought. He was the one who told everyone to go to the hotel to get some sleep, and now he was calling her. For what?

She dumped the phone on her bed and put her feet on the ground. She bent down and picked up her boots before putting them on her feet. She grabbed the keycard to her room, and left it in anger and desperation while her phone rang for a second time. She ignored it and threw the door shut behind her, as if it was meant to throw it in her boss' face.

A few minutes later JJ was sitting at the hotel bar, which was empty expect for three other people. She had a glass of scotch in front of her and she was contemplating what to do. Drinking away her problems wasn't going to help, but trying to sleep was the last option for her. Sleeping seemed impossible for her. It had become impossible, and when she did sleep, she woke up from a nightmare. So she picked up the glass with a heavy heart and emptied it in her throat. She sighed in deeply and put the glass back on the bar.

''Can I have another one?'' she asked the bartender. He nodded and filled the glass again.

JJ was so deep in her thoughts that she didn't notice the person sitting down next to her. If it wasn't for the deep voice, she would've never turned around to face him. ''Rossi?'' she questioned. ''What are you doing here?''

''I wouldn't drink this if I were you.'' he said as he pulled the glass from her hands. He pushed it to the side as he inspected JJ's facial expressions. She managed to stay calm and collected. Her eyes seemed empty and her face was stoic. It reminded him of Hotch. ''What are you doing at the bar, JJ?''

''Does it matter?'' she retorted in annoyance. Everyone had been up in her face for the past four days and she was sick of it. She didn't need the entire team to check up on her every second she was alone.

''You don't drink during work, unless it's a special occasion.'' he reminded her. ''This isn't the way, JJ.''

She took a bill from her pocket and slammed it on the bar. She stepped from the stool and was about to walk away when she noticed Hotch coming their way. ''You called him?''

''He seems to be the only person who can put some sense into you.'' Rossi said calmly as he followed her into the lobby where Hotch was waiting for them. He gazed into the Unit Chief's eyes and saw the concern on his entire face. It had filled his expression. Everyone was worried about JJ. She was acting as if nothing ever happened. She didn't even talk about it anymore. But the worst thing was that she seemed to be lashing out for nothing. ''I'll see you two tomorrow!'' Rossi said before leaving the two agents standing in the lobby.

Hotch felt the courage leave his body when JJ looked at him with emptiness. It seemed like she no longer cared. This wasn't the person he knew, or even wanted to know. He barely recognized her. ''Will called me.'' he announced. ''He said he called you three times and that you never picked up. Why are you doing this, JJ?''

She didn't respond to his question. She didn't know what to say. He was right. She was tearing herself apart, but it felt like she had no fight in her anymore. She had searched for it so desperately until she decided to give up on it. Her entire life, she fought to get out on the right side. She always managed to survive, but now it felt impossible. With each breath she took, she felt the pain in her body. Every step she took forward felt like a slap into the face. She wasn't the JJ everyone knew and loved. That sweet girl disappeared when she was away from the BAU. She had seen and lost too much to ever go back to that person. That person had disappeared.

Hotch watched her closely, knowing she was deep in her thoughts. Her eyes were ahead of her and her arms were clutched around her like a protection shield. It seemed to be her new way of standing. Gazing into the air and holding her own body, as if she was keeping herself together from falling apart in front of her family. ''I'll take you to your room.'' he said warmly as he gently pulled her with him by the arm.

The walk up to her room was filled silence and thoughts. Hotch's thoughts were with JJ, his concern continued to grow. He had hoped that work would be the right distraction for her, but it made her situation even worse. He could see it in her eyes. Not to mention that she had barely been present during the case. Sure, she was there physically but she didn't say anything. She was frozen so to say, and it worried him. He didn't want to lose JJ to the job. He couldn't lose another member of his team because he failed them. Yes, he felt like he failed JJ. He blamed himself for not noticing how much she had changed since she came back, which he knew. He just never talked to her about it. He never took the time.

They stopped in front of the door and Hotch took the keycard from JJ's hand and quickly opened the door. He followed her inside and closed the door behind him. He put the keycard on the small desk against the wall. He leaned against it as JJ dropped down on the bed.

She sat straight up against the headboard and looked at Hotch, feeling the guilt wash over her. She had never seen him so concerned. ''How have you been through all of this?'' JJ asked. She might have been dealing with pain and suffering, but she wasn't the only one. Hotch had a lot on his plate, just being the boss. He also had his son to take care off. His life wasn't easy either.

He stepped away from the desk and took the chair, put it next to the bed and sat down. ''I am good.''

''No, you're not.'' JJ observed easily. She hadn't been a profiler as long as he was, but she had enough experience to know that he was lying. ''I see the way you look at me!''

''And how do I look at you?'' he dared, feeling the tension being lifted. There was suddenly a lighter atmosphere in the room and he felt relieved because of it. ''Come on, tell me!''

''You feel guilty.'' she started off. ''You're beating yourself up because you didn't know about my time in Afghanistan, especially since the same thing happened with Emily. You feel like you failed your team.''

''That is correct.'' he croaked out.

JJ moved from the head of the bed to the side so she was closer to him. ''It isn't your fault. You should not feel guilty, Hotch!'' she reassured, hoping he would take her words to heart, which was very unlikely. That much she knew about him. ''If you had asked me what was going on, I would've lied anyway. I couldn't tell you the truth, even though I wanted to.'' she went on, her voice softening with each word. ''It was my job to keep it a secret and I just couldn't say anything.''

''I just wish someone would've been there for you while you were away.'' he said. ''No one can do something like that on their own, but somehow you did.'' he whispered. ''I admire your strength, JJ. I really do.''

Her eyes started to water at his words. She wiped the first tear away and returned his sad smile. ''I don't think anything would've changed the situation, or the way I feel now.''

''How do you feel?''

Somehow he managed to get through to her. He had the ability to make her talk, and even cry. Which wasn't something she did very often. Most people knew her as strong and confident. ''I feel broken.'' she admitted without any thought. ''I finally understand how Emily felt after Doyle.'' she went on. ''I understand the fear, the suffering, the questions, but most of all, I know what it feels like to come out as a completely different person and to feel like you don't fit into your old life anymore.''

''They broke me, Hotch.'' she said when he was still silent and just letting her talk. ''Not just physically, but mentally. Askari got me to give up my code to Integrity. Do you realize how many people's lives I could've put in danger because of it?''

''JJ, don't put this on yourself. Askari tortured you for hours. He pretended to kill Matt.'' he summed up. ''You did what you had to do to survive. Nothing will ever change that. You can't think like that.''

''But it's how I feel. I hate myself for giving in.'' she cried out and this time the tears really fell down her face. ''I thought our work would be all I needed to get better, but I feel like it's making things worse than before. I can't stop picturing the images of our case. That can't be good.''

''First of all, you need to stop blaming yourself!'' he said again with a stern voice. ''Second of all, get some sleep!'' he insisted. ''I will stay here with you.'' he assured, knowing she was going to use the not sleeping defense, which he knew by heart. Sleeping was difficult, but with someone close it was always easier.

''Where are you going to sleep?''

He was relieved that she didn't refuse to try to sleep at least. ''I'll sleep on the couch.'' he said as he looked at the small couch. ''I've slept on worse.''

''Thanks!'' JJ whispered. She jumped from the bed and went into the bathroom to change into her sweats. She quickly came out and saw that Hotch was already on the couch with a pillow and a blanket. So she slipped into the bed and pulled the covers over her body. She turned on her side, facing away from Hotch. ''Night!'' she said before closing her eyes.

''Sleep well, JJ!'' Hotch said softly. He saw that she had his back towards him, so he took his phone from his pocket and decided to send Will a text to let him know that he was looking after his wife, and that he wouldn't let anything happen to her as long as he was with her. And he knew he never would let anything happen to her as long as it was in his control.

* * *

**''The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. The girl who seemed strong, crumbled. The girl who always laughed, cried. The girl who never stop trying finally gave up.''**

**~ Uknown**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Here's next chapter. And I am completely blown away by the response I have gotten to this story. It's amazing and I can't thank you all enough. It means absolutely everything to me.

So I have decided to write this story as I had it planned, which means JJ/Hotch friendship. But for those who want a romance, I will write a sequel or spin-off to this when I am done with this story, so in the end everyone gets what they want. I hope you all like the idea. So stick around, and let me know what you all think!

Special thanks to jenny crum, Lenika08, KatieThomas'95, BAUMember, K8e1, Westie80, hope, Eternal Love Empty tears, Christiangirl, JJmyst, sambam17, guest, Bea and guest!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

''**To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there.''**

** ~ Barbara Bush**

* * *

The next morning Hotch woke up around 6 am. The muscles in his back were strained and felt extremely tense. Sleeping on the couch hadn't been his best suggestion. But he sat straight up on the couch, noticing that his suit looked terrible. He rose from the couch and looked at the large bed where the blonde lay sprawled out. Her arms were above her head and her legs lay to the sides. Her head was turned to him as her long blonde hair covered the entire pillow. She looked peaceful, and that exact moment gave him some hope. She had slept through the night without waking up, and he hoped it lifted her spirits when she woke up.

For now, he decided to go into his own room and take a quick shower and change into another suit. He grabbed his jacket as he walked towards the door. He softly opened it and closed it behind him, hoping he was silent enough. He passed three doors and then disappeared into his own room.

JJ nearly jumped from the bed when she heard the door to her room close. She looked around the room and saw that the couch had been slept on, but Hotch was nowhere to be found. So she stepped from the bed, the fear going through her body as she stepped towards her go-bag. She was highly vigilant. Every little sound nearly sent her running. Before she had been abducted, she took normal life for granted. And now she wondered how that ever was even possible. She saw case after case, one worse than the other, thousands pictures of victims, and she took life for granted. How could she have possibly done that?

Now, she couldn't even walk down a street without feeling scared, and looking over her shoulder all the time. It was even hard for her to do groceries with Will and Henry. Life had changed so much since she returned. She didn't exactly return but it felt like a return from hell, and now she was different. More careful and she felt completely empty.

As she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, all she could see was a broken woman. Someone who had given everything for her job, but lost herself and a baby because of it. Her job meant the world to her. Helping other people was what she used to live for. Seeing victims being reunited with their families used to give her hope, but she never thought about their healing process, or if they ever managed to recover. She always saw the good in her job. There was no reason for her to see it in a different light. They put the worst criminals behind bars and they saved people. At her job, she was a hero, but at home she was a mother and wife who was barely around. And her job had taken its definite toll on her relationship with Will. Will had expressed an amount of dislike for her job because he felt like he was a single dad. She understood his frustrations, but always hoped he'd understand and so far they worked everything out. But she had often wondered if they stayed together for Henry's sake, and looking at her wedding ring as she was frozen in the bathroom, the same thought ran through her mind. She hadn't doubted her relationship with Will since their wedding, but now all of her precautions and doubts resurfaced. She didn't know if she could be the loving and devoted wife he deserved to have. She didn't even know if she could give him more children. He had been talking about another baby in her time off, and she didn't dare to tell him that she lost their child or that she was afraid of even trying for another one. She couldn't bear to lose another baby.

She turned on the shower and rid herself of her sweats, hoping the warm water could wash away all her fears and hopeless thoughts. So she stepped under the water and slowly sank to the ground, curling up in a little ball as the warm water continued to fall down on her. And as sat alone in the shower, she was reminded of the cold water that was used to torture her. It was as if she drowning again in that moment, and the fear came rushing back. The tears slipped down her face as the panic coursed through her body. She wanted to get up from ground, but in that moment it was as if she was chained up again, and like she could do nothing to free herself. Her body was shaking out of its own volition and a helpless scream escaped her mouth.

Hotch and Rossi were walking down the hall together when they heard the screams coming from JJ's room. Hotch immediately made a run for it, and started pounding on the door. ''JJ? JJ! Open up!'' he yelled.

He didn't have a keycard, so he couldn't get in. JJ wasn't opening up either so he stepped back and leaped forward, kicking down the door. Hotch, followed by Rossi, ran inside the room but she wasn't in the bed or anywhere in the room.

Rossi heard the water in bathroom so he turned to Hotch. ''She's in the bathroom, Aaron.''

Without any thought, he rushed into the bathroom and grabbed a towel from the rack. He pulled the shower curtain to the side and saw the blonde shaking and crying, her breathing unsteady as she looked at him. ''Come on, JJ! Let's get you out of here.'' he said as he stepped into the shower when she wasn't moving. He kept his eyes connected with hers, letting her know he was only looking into her eyes. He turned off the shower and wrapped the towel around her. He helped her on her feet, and noticed that she barely had any energy in her. She had trouble standing and once she was out of the shower, she immediately sank to the ground as he had his arms around her waist. ''Rossi, call an ambulance!'' Hotch shouted out, knowing his friend was at the other side of the door.

''No! No!'' she begged. ''I don't need to go to the hospital.''

Hotch kneeled down and looked into her pale face. She suddenly looked very sick, as if she was about to die. Her face was pale, her body was shaking and her eyes looked lifeless. ''JJ, when was the last time you ate?'' he asked with every ounce of concern poured into his voice. ''JJ?''

She heard his voice far away as her eyes started to close slowly. Her body went weaker with each breath she took, and the last thing she heard was Hotch's voice in the background frantically calling out her name.

Hotch pulled JJ close against his body, checking her pulse. It was weak but steady, she was alive, but he wondered in what capacity. He hadn't even thought about her eating patterns. He hadn't seen her eat a single thing in the past four days, and he hated himself for not seeing it sooner. ''Dave, are they coming?'' he asked when Rossi stepped back into the bathroom.

Rossi kneeled down on the other side of JJ and cupped her cheek for a moment. ''She's cold.'' he remarked. ''What the hell happened?''

''I don't know. I decided to stay with her last night because she wasn't doing so well and I left to take a shower and get changed. Then I ran into you in the hallway and we heard her scream.''

''She's doing so much worse than I thought.'' Rossi breathed out as he rose from the floor. He grabbed another towel and robe from the door. He put them on JJ to cover her up neatly and to keep her warm until the paramedics were coming.

The panic was racing through Hotch's body as he kept the blonde in his arms, feeling like he had the obligation to protect her from it all. She had never looked as vulnerable as she did right there. She looked like a body they would see at a scene. Her eyes closed, her face pale and no movement. But he knew she was alive. He kept checking her pulse every ten seconds to make sure she was with him. He did it almost obsessively but he didn't care. ''She isn't like herself, Dave.'' Hotch sighed out. ''I mean, who can even blame her for that? She went through utter hell. She was tortured by someone she trusted, and Hastings fooled her all that time. I can't even imagine how I would deal with it.''

''She still has a long road ahead of her and you have to wonder if the BAU is the right place for her to be, Aaron.''

''Are you saying that I should have her transferred to another department? Do you have any idea what that would do to her?'' he asked in complete shock. He couldn't believe that Rossi was even suggesting it. JJ needed to be around the people who loved her and cared for her, not with strangers as she had to get used to another job.

''I am going to get the paramedics.'' he said when they heard the sirens getting closer.

* * *

In the next minutes the paramedics lifted JJ onto the gurney and wheeled her out of the hotel room, as she was still unconscious. Hotch ordered Rossi to stay with the team and go to the Dallas Field Office to present their profile and continue their search for the unsub. Hotch insisted to stay with JJ until she had woken up and was ready to get out of the hospital. He swore to himself to not leave her side for one second. He knew JJ was going to be scared and desperate as soon as she woke up without a familiar face around her.

And as Hotch held her hand in the ambulance, he realized that should've happened two months earlier. But instead she went home to get cleaned up and they met in a bar a few hours later. No reasonable person should've been able to do that, yet JJ managed to pull it off. But this time it had to be different. She couldn't walk out of the hospital after fainting in his arms. He wouldn't have it.

The ride to the hospital was five minutes and as soon as they arrived, JJ started to wake up. He guessed the fluids the paramedics provided had done her some good. But it also confirmed his suspicions that she hadn't been eating and drinking properly.

''JJ, I am here.'' Hotch whispered when her eyes opened. He still held onto her hands while the gurney was lifted from the ambulance. ''You're going to be fine. You fainted.''

Her head was aching, her body felt weak and her vision was blurry. But she did recognize the brown eyes and the black hair hovering over her. And of course the deep voice reassured her that she wasn't alone. ''Hotch?'' she asked to be sure. ''Hotch?'' she repeated, her voice filled with fear.

''Yeah, it's me.'' he whispered. He caught the looks of several doctors and nurses as he continued to hold her hand. He didn't care about the prying eyes around him. All that mattered was that JJ was going to be fine. He watched as she was lifted in a hospital bed and wheeled into a private room. He stayed close at all times and returned to his spot next to JJ when most of the nurses left.

One of the doctors stepped next to JJ and Hotch, and extended his hand. ''I am Dr. Mills. I will be running some test, but it looks like she is dehydrated.'' he explained calmly to Hotch. He then turned his attention to the blonde in the hospital bed. ''I'll be back in thirty minutes and then we'll talk for a bit, okay Jennifer?'' he asked and she nodded in response. ''Agent, could I talk to you for a moment?''

''Of course.'' Hotch replied as he followed Dr. Mills outside. He closed the door behind them and stepped in front of the doctor. ''You look concerned.''

''I am.'' he replied with honesty. ''The paramedics informed me of Jennifer's situation. An Agent Rossi provided them with the information.'' he explained further. ''She has been neglecting herself.''

''I realize this doesn't look good, but what do you suggest?''

''Jennifer needs to be monitored closely. Someone has to be there to make sure she eats and drinks, and I think work is the last place she needs to be.'' Dr. Mills went on. ''She's dealing with a major trauma and she needs to be at home for at least another two months.''

''I understand.'' Hotch agreed. He was probably right. JJ rushed into things too fast and it wasn't helping her in any way. ''I think she needs to hear this from you, Dr. She won't listen to me or even her husband.''

''I will come back after the tests are done.'' he assured before he walked away to leave Hotch standing alone in the hallway.

He leaned against the wall and felt like dropping down to the floor. JJ's condition was far worse than he ever imagined it to be. She wasn't eating or drinking, which meant she had completely given up on life and he didn't even know. He just hoped that someone would be able to make JJ see things clearly. It was almost as if she needed a wake-up call.

* * *

''**The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.''**

~ **Alan Watts**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it! And as always, thanks for the amazing response!

Special thanks to vituska7, BAUMember, JJmyst, jenny crum, guest, MLN, love and KatieThomas'95!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''Time moves in one direction, memory in another.''**

**~ William Gibson**

* * *

Hotch was sitting next to the hospital bed, just looking at JJ. She had fallen asleep after the doctor informed her of her situation. She was severely dehydrated and they had provided her with fluids to stabilize her condition. She didn't look at all surprised when the doctor informed her. Hotch had seen it on her face. She even looked away in anguish when he told she had to eat and drink more regularly. It pained him to see her so vulnerable, but the worst of all was that she didn't even care about her condition. She just closed her eyes after the doctor left and seemed to have fallen asleep. She hadn't said a word to him and he didn't expect anything differently. This was JJ at her worst. Well, this was the worst he had ever seen her. Since she came to work for the BAU, he had gotten to know her as strong, stubborn and vivacious. She fought for cases when no one else believed in them and she always got her job done. And even as a profiler she was amazing. He couldn't imagine what a waste it would be if her skills and mindset had been stolen from her because of what she went through. JJ was one of those agents the Bureau couldn't afford to lose, just like every other member in their team. And after losing Elle, Gideon and Emily, they couldn't suffer another major loss, but something inside of him, deep down, knew JJ might not stay with the unit. If she intended to get her life back together, it wouldn't be her best option, and Hotch realized Rossi had been right. The BAU wasn't the best place for her to be, it was actually the worst. He just had to figure out a way to let her know that, and to make her see it. He had to discuss it with her before he made a rational decision. He had to think it through.

The best person to ask about JJ's wellbeing was Will of all people. He was her husband after all, and he knew her better than anyone. He hadn't spoken to Will since he sent him the text, to assure him that JJ was doing better. Hotch knew that Rossi had taken the liberty to tell him that JJ was in the hospital for dehydration. Hotch liked the detective, but knew he could be overreact from time to time, so he had asked Rossi to give him the news. But Hotch realized he couldn't avoid him. He had to discuss some things with Will before he made a decision about JJ's spot in their team. So he rose from the chair in silence and took his phone from his pocket. He stepped out of the room and scrolled through his lists of contacts and dialed his number. He put the phone to his ear and listen to the beeps. And another one and then he heard the voice of the New-Orleans native in the background.

''_Will,'' _Will said as put the phone to his ear while Henry was sitting next to him on the couch.

Hotch sat down in one of the chairs in the hallway and breathed out deeply before speaking. ''Hi Will.'' he greeted politely as he shifted in his seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the situation. ''How are you?''

Will rose from the couch and gave Henry a quick nod to let him know everything was fine. He decided to ignore the question and change to the subject that really mattered. _''How is JJ? Are you with her?''_ he asked in a panic.

''She's resting right now. She has had a couple of rough days.'' Hotch began. ''Look, I don't want to interfere in your and JJ's personal lives, but how was JJ at home for the past two months?''

Will sighed deeply, shrugging his shoulders in the process. How was she? Even he didn't know. She had been all over the place. ''_Honestly?''_

''Yeah,''

''_She hasn't been herself since her captivity.'' _he admitted, knowing it would be hard to hide the truth from a profiler, even though he only heard his voice. And he couldn't keep the truth from JJ's co-workers, especially when she was in the field with them. _''She has been really great with Henry, I can't say anything about that. But…'' _he stopped and stepped into the kitchen so Henry couldn't hear. _''She barely talks to me about how she's doing or what she's struggling with. She talks, but it's about everything but her. I know she isn't doing great, but she acts as if nothing ever happened to her.'' _he explained. _''I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore, Hotch.''_

Hotch decided to ignore the last sentence and explain what the doctors had said about his wife, instead of telling him how to deal with her. ''She was severely dehydrated, so they put her on fluids to stabilize her.'' he said simply. ''When she gets home things will have to change, Will.''

''_What are you trying to tell me? That I can't take care of my wife?''_

''No, I am not.'' Hotch said as he stayed calm. He wasn't looking for an argument, but things did have to change. ''JJ isn't talking because she needs a push before she opens up. She'll talk if you try and don't give up on her. You have to be patient with her.''

''_I guess she talked to you, huh?''_

''Not much.'' he lied to avoid conflict. ''But I wanted to talk to you about JJ and work. She isn't ready for the field, so I wanted to talk to you about other options for her.''

''_I don't know. You're her boss. I think you should make a decision about her ability to work for the BAU.'' _Will said easily. He couldn't make any assumptions about how JJ was dealing with work. She had started four days ago and she was already in the hospital, so that wasn't the best way to start off. _''You should do whatever is necessary for her recovery, even if she'll get pissed about it.''_

''Okay, I will. Thank you.'' Hotch said, knowing now that she choice had to be all his. He hoped that Will could've given him some advice on what would be best for his wife, but he apparently didn't. ''Bye.''

''_Bye.''_

He stayed glued to his seat for the next few minutes, contemplating his options. He knew for sure, he couldn't put JJ through another case. It would be too much for her and he couldn't put the others at risk because he wanted to give JJ a chance. So there was only one choice left. Desk duty. He would need to demote her back to Media Liaison for her to be on desk duty. The thought of demoting her, sickened him. Especially after everything she had been through. But she needed to be at home and have a regular life to get better, or to get back to normal if it were possible.

* * *

In the next three hours a lot happened. A lot of good. The team had presented the profile and the police had quickly come up with the name of the unsub due to his long and full history of criminal charges. They managed to save one victim and get him off the streets and no one got hurt in the process. With their job it was a minor miracle.

Hotch had stayed in the hospital the entire time, never wanting to leave JJ's side. She had been sleeping the entire time, but he started wondering if she hadn't been faking it to avoid conversation or a confrontation even. She had to know one was in her future. She couldn't expect differently, and he knew JJ well enough that she knew he wouldn't let it slide. She even called him a bully once, so that was enough said.

He watched as the doctor informed JJ of what had to change in her life. Dr. Mills had suggested therapy and a leave of absence from work. While he explained it to JJ, she had nodded politely as if she was truly listening. But Hotch had seen the absence in her eyes. She was barely listening because her head was somewhere else, and he had a guess where it was and what her fear was. He watched the doctor walk away after JJ had signed the discharge papers.

JJ looked up and finally made eye contact with Hotch. She had been hoping he would leave so they didn't have to talk about what really happened. She knew he was going to ask sooner or later. He wasn't exactly the guy who would let it go.

''Thanks for staying.'' she said warmly as she stepped from the bed. She felt stronger and she was able to stand on her own two feet, which did feel refreshing. ''How is the team doing?''

Hotch didn't want to overreact to that question. He didn't want to worry her or become too upset because he did feel disappointed in a way. ''I had to turn off my phone because Garcia was calling me non-stop, Reid gave me every detail about dehydration and treatment through text, Morgan made me promise to look after you and Rossi and Blake were the only ones who didn't stalk me today. So to answer your question, they're worried. We are all worried.'' he explained, the distance in his voice as he spoke. ''You should get dressed. The plane leaves in forty-five minutes.''

''They already caught the unsub?'' JJ asked in surprise.

''Yeah,'' Hotch replied as he already started walking towards the door. ''As soon as the local police heard the profile they had a name. The unsub was arrested and we saved a victim.''

''Good.'' she whispered, turning around to take the sweats. She heard the door close behind her. So she pulled the hospital gown over her head and put it on the now empty bed. The cold air caused goose bumps on her skin. She quickly put the FBI sweater on and stepped into the pants. She bend down with difficulty, feeling the soreness and tension throughout her entire body. She took the sneakers and carefully but them on her feet. She got up and walked towards the door. She stepped outside and saw Hotch standing in front of her with a wheelchair. She felt like laughing at him. She wasn't incapable of walking.

''I don't need it.'' she said as she started to walk past him.

Hotch passed the wheelchair to one of the nurses and followed JJ through the hallways in complete silence until they reached the parking lot. He opened the door for her as she climbed inside the SUV. He then turned to the driver's side, climbed in and drove off.

* * *

Hotch and JJ reached the airstrip about thirty minutes later and both entered the plane, still in complete silence. Neither one of them had said even a simple words. To Hotch it meant that JJ needed some space. And when she took a spot at the end of the place, as far away from him, he realized he had been right. She sat with her back to him so he couldn't read her face or body language. Hotch decided to let go off his concerns for a moment and let her be. He closed his eyes in the hopes of getting some much needed sleep.

JJ on the other hand was wide awake as time slowly moved forward. Her head going from Henry to Will, to her torture and back to her family. It was all she could think about, and even dream about. It invaded her every thought. She felt happy when she thought about Will and Henry, but she couldn't help but feel guilty. She hadn't been happy in the past two months. She didn't feel safe enough to talk about what she went through and Will never bothered to ask her. She felt like he forgot what happened. But they could never move on if they buried reality and went on living like nothing ever happened between them. Will still didn't know about the baby, but he had learned more than he should have about her time in Afghanistan. He said he accepted it when she finally told him the entire story, but she was afraid he was just pretending like everything was fine to not hurt her in any way. But that wasn't the right way.

JJ was touching her wedding ring when she heard the familiar voices coming into the jet. She immediately jumped from her chair and walked towards the front, feeling Hotch's eyes on her at all times. She looked away and watched as Reid came inside first.

Reid looked at JJ from head to toe, making sure she was fine. ''How are you?'' he asked with concern. ''Did the doctors give you fluids containing the proper balance of replacement electrolytes to…'' he tried to ask but JJ cut him off.

''Spence, I am fine!'' she reassured as hugged him quickly. She felt his arms around her, holding her tightly.

Derek was waiting right behind Reid and JJ as they blocked the entire place. ''Pretty boy, I would like to say hello to our girl.'' he announced and Reid immediately moved away and took a seat across from Hotch. ''Hi, beautiful.'' he breathed out as he pulled her into a hug. ''Don't ever scare us again like that, JJ. We nearly lost you once. I can't happen another time.''

''It won't.'' she whispered softly and he let her go. JJ moved to the side and gave Blake a friendly nod.

''It's good to see that you're alright.'' Blake said as she moved past JJ and took a seat next to Reid.

The last one to greet was Rossi, but he was searching through the cabinets for something to drink. So JJ walked towards him to help him find the scotch he loved so much. ''You couldn't wait, huh?'' she asked as she leaned against the counter.

Rossi turned around with the bottle and two glasses in his hands. ''The case is over and we deserve it!'' he said happily. He handed JJ the glasses and patted her on the shoulder. ''You scared us today, kiddo. It's good to see you with some color on your cheeks.''

''I am so sorry for everything!'' she apologized. ''I didn't mean to scare everyone. That wasn't my intention.''

''I know.'' he said and he looked at Hotch who was staring straight at JJ with hurt in his eyes, and he knew that his friend was very concerned about her. ''We know. But I think you might need to reassure him.'' Rossi said as he gazed back at Hotch.

JJ's eyes landed on Hotch as well, and she knew Rossi was right. She had a lot to explain. She just didn't know where to start. Talking wasn't easy for her. ''Yeah, I know.'' she agreed.

''He's just looking out for you, JJ.'' Rossi said before he left her alone, standing in the small kitchenette.

JJ took a few steps forward, and then froze for a moment. She just stared into the plane, trying to remember that particular moment. This was part of her family. These people were her family. Reid was reading a book and he was almost done with it. Derek was texting, most likely with Garcia. Rossi and Blake were in deep conversation. And Hotch. Well, he just stared straight ahead of him, into her eyes. She suddenly felt wave of hope going through her body, as if he assured her with his look. It were his eyes, filled with so much promise and concern that truly touched her. And that was the first time that JJ realized their friendship was so much deeper than she ever imagined. They never needed words to know what was wrong, and over the years JJ had been open and honest with him. She had even seen him smile on multiple occasions.

She gave him a small and weak smile, and then she got one in return. It warmed her heart. He barely smiled and if he did it meant the world. It meant that he cared and as she stood on that plane it seemed to be enough for that moment.

* * *

**''We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.''**

**~ Martin Luther King, Jr.**


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I am still amazed by the response I am getting to this story. It is amazing! Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited or followed this story.

Special thanks to jenny crum, Lenika08, BAUMember, vituska7, Christiangirl, waiyeex90, JJymyst and guest!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

''**A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.''**

**~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.**

* * *

The bullpen was dimly lit with only two members present. Reid was going through files as if it was a race and JJ was catching up on some old reports from when she was gone. The stacks on her desk were crazy so she decided to take the entire day to catch up and stay late in order to do it. The rest of the team had left to get dinner, three hours earlier. JJ had declined and so had Reid and Hotch. JJ knew Henry was staying with a friend and Will was working a new murder case so there was absolutely no point for her to go home to an empty home. But that wasn't the only point. She was afraid of being home alone. It didn't feel right at all. Being alone in her own house had become a fear she hated. She was scared of everything that could happen, even if the chances were extremely slim. She didn't want to risk being taken again, even though her sane mind knew no one else had any reason to abduct her, torture her and threaten to kill her. She knew it wouldn't happen again, but in her mind it did. All the time. Even as she sat in a federal building, filled with agents, she felt a certain amount of angst within her. It wasn't normal, but neither was her life. She knew that. And she realized her life might never be the same again because of what she experienced.

She forcefully pulled herself from her thoughts, closing the report and putting it on the stack of finished ones. She looked up when Reid turned off his light and rose from his chair. ''Going home, Spence?'' she asked.

Reid put on his coat and looked at a seemingly exhausted JJ. Her eyes were small and she looked really tired, so it immediately made him worry. He probably wouldn't stop worrying about her for a while. ''Yeah,'' he replied. ''You should go too, JJ. You need the rest. Bye.''

JJ flew from her chair and stopped him before he could turn his back to her and walk away. ''We're good, right?''

''Why wouldn't we be?'' Reid asked caringly, taking a step back.

''I lied to you. Again.'' she said with fear in her voice. But this time Reid had been different than when he realized Emily was alive. She felt like he wasn't mad but she wanted to be sure.

Reid stopped her by putting his hand on her arm. ''JJ, we nearly lost you. I am not going to be mad about it.'' he said. ''I am not mad. I promise!''

''Thanks!''

''I'll see you monday!'' he said and he walked past her.

JJ's mind was put at ease a little, knowing Reid didn't hate her for the choices she had made. She was scared the he would hide his anger like he did before. But it seemed like he was doing great and wasn't mad at all. She knew the rest of the team was glad that she was alright, and they didn't really seem upset. The only person she was trying to avoid was Hotch. He seemed worried the most of them all. She didn't want him to be. He had a lot more to worry about than how she was handling her own life.

But she couldn't avoid him for much longer. The stack of reports had disappeared and formed a new one, all ready to be criticized by her boss. So she took them from her desk and started to walk towards his office with hesitance. But she did it anyway.

Hotch heard the knock on his door so he looked up and saw JJ standing in his doorway. ''Come in.'' he said, realizing she had changed out the sweats. She was wearing a simple skinny jeans, a white blouse tucked into them with a black blazer. She definitely looked better than she did before. Not that sweats didn't look good on her, but he couldn't help but notice that she looked more comfortable in her own clothes.

''I finished all of these.'' JJ said as she put them down on his desk. She was about to turn around and walk away when he cleared his throat.

''JJ, have a seat.'' he said as he kept sitting behind his desk. He closed his file while she sat down. ''We need to talk.''

''I realized today that I put you into the field to early. You're definitely not ready and today proved that.'' he explained calmly, expecting a response from JJ within seconds but she looked at him and waited for him to continue. ''I am taking you out of the field and putting you on desk duty. You will no longer travel with us until I see that you can function in the field. I am also ordering you to see the department therapist.'' he said and in that moment he was really the boss. He wished he didn't have to force it on JJ, but it was best for everyone, especially her. He only had her best interest at heart, and always would.

''I get it. But how can I function as a profiler out of the field?'' she asked, and then she suddenly put it all together. The sadness on his face, the desk duty. It meant one thing. ''You're demoting me?''

''You will resume part of the job as media liaison right here.'' he answered simply. ''I will still do the part that is required in the field, but yes you've got your old job back.''

JJ knew he had to look out for the team, but this seemed just like crap to her. She didn't want explode in front of her boss, but keeping the anger inside was harder than she ever imagined. ''I gave up everything for this job. I've given everything to this team, to you and to my country.'' she said as she rose from the chair. ''And now it's all for nothing. Everything I've ever done is just gone.''

''JJ!'' Hotch said steadily, trying to stop her from running out. ''You saved countless of victims, you've put away the bad guys and you did great work in Afghanistan.'' he went on. ''You did a lot of good!''

''Yeah, but at what cost?'' she asked in despair. ''This job has cost me more than I ever imagined and now you're telling me that I might lose it all.''

Hotch rose from his chair and slowly approached her. ''You can't look at it like that. That's not how this works.''

''How could I not?'' she asked as the first tear streamed down her face. ''Hotch, look around this office!'' she said. ''You nearly live here. How much more are you willing to lose for this job? You already lost Haley. Who's next? Beth? Jack?'' she asked. ''How can you tell me that any of this is okay?''

''I am not.'' he said, knowing JJ was right. She had worked years for her job, to get to a good place, and now she was losing it. But he couldn't keep her in the field while she was still recovering.

''Isn't there a part of my life that I get to keep? To protect?'' she asked in tears. ''A part where my job doesn't get to mess with.'' she went on. ''Two months ago, I was happily married and my family was happy. And today it's all falling apart. Where does it stop?''

''I don't know, JJ.'' he replied. ''I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't.'' he said with honesty. He didn't know what to tell her. She was right. You had to make sacrifices to do their job, and he didn't always like it either. But it was the way it was. His job meant everything to him. ''Do you want to talk about it?''

''No, not really. But I can't pretend that it isn't eating me up on the inside. Because it is.'' she admitted. ''I don't know how to come back from it.''

''I am not going to tell you what to do or how to feel.'' Hotch said as he walked back to his desk. He leaned on the edge as JJ turned around to face him. ''But I want you…I need you to know that I'm always here for you, JJ.'' he went on. ''I know I'm not the easiest person to open up to. I'm a bully and a hard ass, but that doesn't mean that I can't be your friend.''

JJ sat back down, feeling a lot more comfortable. Every word that came from him, once again put her at ease. He had a way about him that pulled the emotions out of her. She liked it a lot. ''We are friends, Hotch!'' she said. ''I think you and I have always understood each other in a different way than anyone else. I mean, we both have kids. We're responsible for someone other than ourselves, and I don't think you can truly understand what it's like until you have kids.'' she said, thinking of Henry. The thought of her son brought a smile to her face. ''You should give yourself a lot more credit.''

''I do this job because I want my son to grow up in a safer world, but there's always a next case. It'll never stop.'' he said, deciding to change the subject rather quickly. ''So do you have any plans for the weekend?''

JJ noticed his sudden change of voice and demeanor. ''No, not really. Will is working a triple homicide and Henry has a sleepover with his best friend.'' JJ said simply. ''You?''

''I'm childless. Just like you.'' he said. He suddenly had a thought. He could spend the day with JJ. They could do something fun, but spending an entire day with his subordinate wasn't exactly professional. Especially when they were alone. He had never spent time alone with one his co-workers, except the occasional scotch with Rossi. But that was very different. There was certain line between co-workers and friends that couldn't be crossed. He didn't want his team members to know every single about him. But somehow he didn't mind that it was JJ. He trusted her with his life. ''I wanted to go for a run tomorrow morning in Rock Creek Park. Would you like to come along? We could get lunch afterwards. Just to get your mind off things.''

She was blown away by his question. It wasn't like him to do something like that. It was definitely a good surprise. So she smiled before speaking. ''That sounds like fun.'' she replied. ''But shouldn't you be with Beth on the weekends?''

''Yeah, but she's visiting her family in Chicago this weekend.'' he said absentmindedly, hoping JJ wouldn't ask more about it.

''That's nice.'' JJ commented as she noticed the doubt in his voice. She decided to leave it at that when it seemed that he wasn't too comfortable to talk about Beth. ''I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.''

''I'll pick you up around eight?'' he asked.

''Sounds good.'' she said with a small smile. She turned around and left his office, wondering how much more time he would spend behind his desk. She knew he was a workaholic but he always last to leave, and she questioned whether he didn't want to spent more time with his son or girlfriend. But she let the thought slip from her mind as she gathered her belongings and turned off her light. She slowly walked out the bullpen as she realized another long night was coming her way. And since she was home alone it was going to be a big struggle for her.

* * *

''**Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.****''**

**~ Meister Eckhart**


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I just had to say that I am humbled by the amazing response I have gotten to this story. It means so much to me and it keeps me writing. I love writing this story.

And most of you want a JJ/Hotch romance. And it's definitely going to happen, I promise! I just don't want to rush anything so I am keeping a slow but hopefully steady pace as their relationship progresses.

Special thanks to guest, JJmyst, BAUMember, jenny crum, KatieThomas'95, guest, Christiangirl and red2013!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.****''**

**~ Jim Morrison**

* * *

The next morning, JJ stepped from the bed around seven. It had been a long and rough night, but after taking more sleeping pills than she should have, she finally managed to get some sleep. Will hadn't texted or called about anything, so she just assumed he was working the rest of day and didn't want to bother her at home. She decided to change into her running clothes and eat some breakfast before Hotch was picking her up.

She stopped in front of her closet and pulled the baggy pants and sweater from the drawer. She wasn't going for hip and nice, just for comfortable. When she went running, she just wanted to feel great and have on clothes that weren't too tight. It had been a long time since she last did something like running. Usually, she would go out running on our own when Will was at home with Henry. But since her abduction she was too scared to be out on her own. So it was perfect that Hotch was with her. She wouldn't go out alone if he hadn't been with her. And she realized this was the first step towards something better. She just hoped her nerves wouldn't get the better of her while they were out.

She quickly put on her running outfit and went down the stairs and into the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of water and put it on the counter, along with her keys and phone. She walked towards the fridge, knowing she had to eat something in order to stay energetic and also to keep Hotch from going crazy about her. She didn't want another repeat of the day before. The last thing she wanted was to scare her team, even though she didn't feel that bad about what had happened. The dehydration had nothing to do with not wanting to eat or drink, she just didn't feel like it. It had been easier to be in bed all the time and do absolutely nothing. It was all she had done when she was home for two months. Except when Henry was at home. She did anything to look completely fine to her son. He deserved to have his mother, so she was always there for him. Henry was the only motivator in her life at the moment. She wished she could say Will was one, but their marriage almost seemed non-existent. They just lived together, dealing with each other's presence. That was it. JJ hadn't even kissed him in two months. She was afraid. Every time someone came close to her, she was back in that moment with Hasting's hands on her body. It could've been much worse. She realized that. She could've been raped if Matt hadn't stopped him. And that thought sickened her. It sent shiver throughout her body. Her nightmares could've been so much worse, yet she felt like everything had been ripped away from her. She had seen things worse than death. Mutilated and dismembered bodies had crossed her desk too many times to count, and nothing like that had happened to her. But she wasn't just afraid because of what happened. She was grieving, knowing she would never be the same person again. She felt it and she knew it, but she couldn't come to terms with it. Too much in her life was changing and as it was all happening, she wondered why. Why did it have to happen? What was it all for? Was it worth it?

She nearly jumped from her haze when the doorbell rang. She realized time had passed by quickly and looking out the window, she saw Hotch's SUV parked in the driveway. So she tossed the half eaten sandwich in the trashcan. She grabbed her bag and items from the kitchen counter and ran towards the door. She opened it, revealing an energetic looking Hotch. He looked wide awake and ready to go. ''Hi,'' she said shyly. She had no idea how to act around him outside of work. It was a strange situation, but she felt like it was worth getting used to. She'd love to see what he was like outside of work. She expected him to be different in a way and she hoped he wouldn't hold back because she worked with him.

''Hey,'' Hotch grinned as he looked down at her sweater. ''Nice sweater.''

JJ suddenly realized he was wearing a FBI sweater as well. It was a real coincidence but she liked the fact that he wore it as well. They weren't the most flattering but they were awfully comfortable. At home she almost lived in it. ''Thanks. Yours is very beautiful.'' she joked, receiving a smile in return.

''Are you ready to go?''

JJ pulled the door shut behind as Hotch took the bag from her hand. ''Yeah, I am.'' she said as she followed him to the car. He put her bag in the backseat and proceeded his way to the driver's side.

Once they were in the car, a comfortable silence fell between them. Hotch pulled out of the driveway and drove the familiar route he took at least once a week. He loved running and just let his mind go to a different place for a while. It was a way of escaping for him. He didn't always have the time but he went whenever he had the time. He looked to his side every few minutes, seeing JJ staring off into the distance. He was relieved a bit. She looked a little better than the day before. She had the color back in her face, and he was glad that she agreed to spend some time with him. He felt like he could built more trust with her and he hoped she would talk to him when something bothered her. He wanted her to feel comfortable enough to do that. He wouldn't feel comfortable to do that with any of his other team members, but JJ was in a completely different situation. She had just returned to work after two months of leave and she had gone through a major trauma. No one could just come back from something like that. He knew most people never did. Many of the victims they saved, never lived life to its fullest and he knew he couldn't expect differently. But he wanted. No, needed JJ to beat those odds. He needed her to pull through and recover from her emotional as well as her physical trauma. And for the first time he was willing to admit that he had no idea what the team, or even his life would be like without her in it. There would be a huge void. Morgan wouldn't have anyone to stop him from messing around with his colleagues, especially Reid. Reid wouldn't have someone around who called him Spence and who would listen to his ramblings. Rossi would lose the woman he had come to love like a daughter, and Garcia. Well, Garcia would lose her very best friend, her sister. And for Blake he didn't know what JJ meant to her. She would lose a respectable colleague. And Hotch himself. He didn't even know.

He would lose JJ. The person who managed to pour her heart into every case, the woman who could make him feel something more with just a small smile. And as he thought about her smile, he flashed back to the small moments they had shared. Looks, smiles and reassuring expressions. She was a true friend. Someone he couldn't stand to lose. Not ever.

So he looked at her once again and this time she gazed back at him. ''How did you sleep?''

''I managed.'' she admitted simply, feeling his criticizing gaze on her instantly. ''Yeah, I took some sleeping pills.''

''Some?'' he repeated as the concern poured into his voice. ''Were you all by yourself?''

''Yeah,'' she replied, knowing where he was going. He was going to say that she shouldn't be on her own. That she was a danger to herself and someone needed to watch over her every second. ''I told you that Will has been working a triple homicide. I can't keep him from his work, Hotch.''

''Of course you can't.'' he agreed, but inside of him he couldn't stop but wondering why he wasn't at home with his wife. She had been admitted to the hospital for observation and he hadn't seen her since they came home. Something seemed off. ''How are you two doing?''

''Do you really want to become involved in my personal life?'' she warned him to let him know he might not want to go down that road.

''I want to be here for you and if that means that you talk about your personal life, then yes, I want to go down that road.'' he said easily. ''I am here for you, JJ.''

''Thank you!'' she whispered. It meant the world to her, knowing it was coming from the man who usually didn't show much emotion at all. But he was doing that with her and that spoke of true volumes. A part of her was even flattered. ''For now I just want to run and see where the day takes us. Does that sound like a plan?''

He smiled back at her. ''It does.'' he said and then he turned his full attention back to the road with a feeling of contempt. The day was already turning out better than he ever expected it to be, so it reassured him a lot.

* * *

They were out in the woods about twenty minutes later. They had decided to run Hotch's usual trail, but JJ soon enough realized that her body couldn't take the same amount of activity as it used to. She had barely worked out in months and she felt her body weakening with each step she took. She was already falling behind so she stopped and decided to rest for a moment a catch up with Hotch later. She dropped to the ground, her head spinning and her heart pounding. She put her arms on her knees and let her head rest in her hands as she tried to breathe properly. She didn't expect that it would take as much energy as it did. But she realized her body was possibly still healing from the beatings. Not only was the physical torture painful, but emotional torture had been just as bad. She didn't know why her body wasn't strong enough. She just knew it wasn't ready.

She put her hands back on the ground and pushed herself up from the ground. When she was on her feet, she got support from the tree as she tried to steady herself. But her mind was quickly pulled away from that thought when she heard slow footsteps coming up from behind her. She realized Hotch was gone and she was all alone, and the panic immediately took over every fiber of her being. She froze, her body tense and rigid, as she kept standing in the same place. When the sound disappeared, she was about to turn around when a hand landed on her shoulder. She whirled around in complete shock and with tears in her eyes at the sudden surge of emotions.

''JJ?'' Hotch asked as he realized she was crying. ''It's just me!''

JJ bend down with her hands on her knees, breathing in and out. She got back up and put her hand in front of her mouth to hide the shock. But the tears were still stinging in her eyes. **  
**''Are you alright?''

She shook her head in response and walked forward, as if shielding herself from falling apart in front of him. She was far from alright. She was back in that moment. Her phone falling to the ground, a hand over her mouth and being pulled back. Out of sight.

Hotch stepped in front of her again and carefully and slowly put his hands on her shoulders to comfort her. He met her gaze, and felt his heart break into little pieces. She looked so fragile, so broken. Every time he thought that she was making a huge step, something seemed to go wrong. But he realized he was expecting too much of her so soon. So instead of thinking about what he expected, he took another step forward and pulled her flush against him. His arms went around her back and he held her tightly as she cried into his chest.

At first, JJ felt overwhelmed but when his strong arms went around her body, she quickly felt her body calm down. But the tears only increased the longer she was in his arms. And for the first time in months, she was able to truly cry. To finally grieve for her situation. For herself.

* * *

**''Tears are the silent language of grief.''**

**~ Voltaire**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Here's the next chapter! I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to BAUMember, KatieThomas'95 (Thank you for the reviews! And yeah, I agree with you about how the writers didn't even pay much attention to JJ's return. She seems to be perfectly fine after everything that happened. It's hard to watch sometimes. But luckily we have fanfiction.), JJmyst, jenny crum, Christiangirl and red2013!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.''**

**~ George MacDonald**

* * *

Soon after JJ's breakdown, they were back in the car and headed back into the city. Their plans had been cut short and JJ felt terrible about it. She never meant for Hotch to come to her rescue again, but each time he was there, she felt better. She just wondered how many more times moments like that we're going to happen. It made her realize how scared and damaged she felt. Nearly everything made her afraid, and it didn't take much to set her off. The simple touch of a hand on her body made her flash back to Hastings' hands all over body, touching her everywhere. She knew he was dead, but that didn't keep her from seeing his face every time she closed her eyes or was driven into a helpless situation. It was either his face or Askari's. She had felt the life drain from her body when she was being water boarded. She had come closer to death in a few hours than she did in the entire span of her life. And in those moments she couldn't stop thinking about everything she still wanted to do, how much she loved Henry and that she wanted to see him grow up, and to grow old with her husband. But now that she was alive, she couldn't push herself. She felt weak and exhausted. Surviving the torture and trauma had taken everything she ever had. And after believing that Matt had been shot and killed, she gave up. She gave in. She hated herself for it, and from that point on death didn't seem scary anymore. After everything she had felt, the pain she had experienced and the fear that had coursed through her veins, death seemed like a kind end to her. But it didn't happen. Because there she was. Sitting next to her boss in the black SUV after she had fallen apart yet again. A part of her couldn't believe it that Hotch was the one she was trusting with her feelings. It was so rare that she was turning to him for comfort. She had expected it to be Garcia or Emily, maybe even Morgan. But not her boss. Yet there was something about him that put her at ease. It felt like they shared a certain understanding. At that moment in time, he was the only one keeping her going. She didn't know why or how. It was just how she felt. He managed to push her in a way no one had ever been able to do.

''Penny for your thoughts.'' Hotch spoke out to break the long silence that had been in the car. He made eye contact with her for a few seconds before he turned his eyes to the road.

JJ shifted uncomfortably in her seat, as if she was trying to find her feelings, which seemed impossible. ''I was just thinking.'' she managed to admit to him.

''About what?'' he asked with a smirk, knowing JJ didn't like the fact that he kept asking and pushing her. But he wasn't about to stop. At some point she would open up and he knew that.

She put her elbow on the side of the door and rested her head on her hand as she looked at him intently. He still had his eyes on the road as she tried to find the right set of words, but there wasn't really a good way to say it. ''You.'' she blurted out as his eyes snapped back to meet hers. She saw he was pleasantly surprised and it made her blush.

''Really?''

''Honestly, yes!'' she admitted. ''I know it has only been five days since I got back to the BAU, and my first case didn't go well at all, but somehow you manage to make me feel a little better.'' she went on. ''I don't feel unworthy around you. I trust you, Hotch. With my life!''

''Thank you for saying that. That means more to me than words will ever be able to express.'' he smiled back. ''And I trust you too, JJ.''

She pushed a strand of her hair out of her face, and then decided to change the subject before it turned too emotional. ''Where are we going?''

''I thought we could get changed and go and grab some lunch.'' he began. ''Do you have clean clothes with you?''

''Yeah,''

''Well, I don't.'' he said simply and then he realized he was about to suggest something that could come off as inappropriate to JJ, but he was going to ask anyway. ''We can go to my place and get changed and then go to the restaurant. Only if you're okay with it!''

''It sounds good to me.'' she agreed as she felt the curiosity get the best of her. She had never been to his apartment or house before, so a part of her as curious to see how he lived and what his home looked like. She felt honored that he felt comfortable with her coming into his house. It was something that rarely happened with him. She had always known he was a private person, but she was slowly changing her mind about him. Maybe he was a completely different person outside of work. That was something she had yet to find out.

* * *

JJ was standing in the guestroom to change. She put her bag on the chair and walked around the room, taking in each detail. It was simple but welcoming. It was the first thing that stood out to her when she walked into his apartment. The apartment was filled with warmth and love, and that was exactly what she felt each home should be like. She felt a wave of comfort was over her as she stood there in the middle of an unknown room. So she peeled the running clothes from her body. She folded them and put them on the bed and she proceeded to put on some casual clothing.

It didn't take long for JJ to be ready, and a few minutes later she stepped out of the guest room and walked towards the living room. Once she was there, she did the same thing as she did in the guest room. She walked around in amazement and stopped where pictures were hanging on the wall. There was one of Jack and Hotch both smiling widely, one of Jack and Haley, and another one of the three of them, looking like a happy family. Hotch had his arms wrapped around Haley from behind while Jack was sitting in his mother's arms. It was the true picture of a happy family. But unfortunately, JJ knew it didn't end that way. She often wondered how the older profiler dealt with his loss and how he managed to move on so privately.

''Jack loves that picture.'' Hotch said as he walked up from behind JJ. He saw her cringe for a moment when he started talking, but she quickly seemed to relax. He saw her tense shoulders relax, so he moved closer towards her and then he stepped next to her. ''I don't want to take them down because I want Jack to remember her.'' he went on. ''He doesn't talk about her very often, but sometimes he just stares at these pictures and I can see the tears in his eyes.'' he went on. ''He misses her every day.''

JJ turned around to face him. She didn't know what to say, but she knew Hotch, well a part of him. She knew he didn't talk much or expressed his feelings at all. ''Maybe…maybe you should talk more about Haley.'' she suggested carefully. She didn't want to upset him or imply that he wasn't handling things right. ''You don't talk much and maybe Jack needs to hear the words coming from you, Hotch.''

He stared into her blue piercing eyes and for one moment, just a second, he felt his heart stop. Literally stop, as if time stood still. Those words. He had heard those words before. He remembered them so vividly. He could never forget them.

''What is it?'' JJ asked when his face turned emotional all at once. It was like she said something horribly wrong. ''Hotch? Hotch?'' she whispered.

''Someone once told me the exact same thing.'' he whispered as he flashed back to the dream he had a few months earlier. He had dreamt about Haley during emergency surgery after he had collapsed in the conference room. Haley had said those words. And now JJ repeated them. It was like a sign from the universe, he just didn't know how to put it.

But as he stood there, looking at the blonde, he felt a surge of hope and trust flowing through him. Something special happened in that small moment for him, something he would never forget.

''Oh,'' JJ mumbled, not really understanding what was happening in that moment. So she moved towards the couch and sat down while Hotch slowly walked away from the pictures and sat down in a chair across from her. It was then that she noticed how differently he looked in casual clothing. He was wearing simple dark blue jeans with a black dress shirt.

She never saw him like that and it made her smile on the inside that she was getting some insight into who Aaron Hotchner was outside of work. It was someone she was excited to get to know even better than she already did.

''If you want to spent time alone, I can go!'' JJ offered as she was about to rise from the couch.

''No, you're not bothering me, JJ.'' he assured. ''Let's go and eat lunch.'' he said as he stood up from the chair. He took his coat and easily slipped it over his shoulders and buttoned it up as JJ did the same. He opened the door for her and followed her out of the building and towards the car.

* * *

The restaurant was quiet as JJ and Hotch sat at a table. Hotch had chosen one of his favorite restaurants, which he frequently visited with Rossi. He came there after a tough case or just to clear his head and talk to his old friend. Most of their time was spent talking about work, but every now and then they talked about their personal lives. Rossi had often questioned if his friend was truly happy, and Hotch always managed to convince him he was. But most of the times he didn't know. Of course he was happy. He had Jack and he couldn't ask for more. But he still carried the pain from Haley's death and his relationship with Beth didn't magically make it disappear.

He was pulled from his line of thoughts when the waiter politely served their drinks. Hotch gave a friendly a nod to the younger woman. ''Thank you.'' he added kindly. He then returned his attention to JJ. They had avoided any personal subjects since their conversation about Haley. They had discussed their latest case and how the survivor was doing, but Hotch didn't know. He had no idea if she would get through horrifying experience of her captivity with a mad men, and that reminded him of JJ. He didn't know if she'd ever get through her own trauma. ''I don't know if I should bring this is up now…'' he began, but the boss and professional in him knew he had to mention it sooner or later. ''You have your first therapy session Monday morning at ten o'clock.''

JJ wasn't surprised to hear it. He was her boss after all, and he was responsible for her functioning within the team. But she still didn't have to like it. She was going because she had to in order to keep her job. ''I'll be there.'' she said simply to keep it short and get away from it.

''JJ, I know it isn't what you want…'' he tried to say but JJ cut him off before another world could leave his mouth.

''Hotch, it's fine!'' she promised. ''I get it. It's your responsibility and I am going. Don't worry about it.''

He took a sip from his water and watched as JJ adverted her eyes in response. ''I just don't want things to get awkward.''

''Aren't they already?''

''What do you mean?'' he asked for clarification. He didn't feel any awkwardness at all. If anything the day had been much easier than he ever imagined it to be. It was easy to talk and be around JJ. He didn't have to do much for it. Conversation flowed and he felt comfortable.

JJ gently pushed her glass around and stopped when she got the question from him. ''Oh come on, Aaron.'' she said. ''We're both profilers. Isn't it obvious?'' she asked. ''I know you want to ask me how I am truly feeling, but you don't because you're afraid about my reaction.''

''Yeah, I guess.''

''It's fine. I know the team has been dealing with the same thing. It doesn't take a profiler to figure out that you're all worried about me.'' she went on. ''It's not an ideal situation for any of us, but I am really trying my best. And if you want to ask me anything, you can.''

Hotch crossed his arms as he sat back, trying to figure out what to say. ''I know how difficult it is to struggle with a trauma, and I know how easy it is to internalize.'' he said. ''It's what I did and I don't want you to do that, JJ. It won't help you in any way.''

''I understand what you're telling me, but talking about everything isn't as easy as it sounds.'' she tried to explain. ''I'm a private person and I don't need everyone up in my business.'' she went on. ''Look, I love you guys. All of you. But some things should stay private.''

''Yeah, that's understandable.'' he agreed. She had a right to her own privacy. To keep some part to herself and to feel secure in her own surroundings. Not everyone had the right to know every detail of her life or feelings. But deep down he hoped, she would let him in no matter what. ''I hope you feel comfortable enough to tell me.''

''I do. I really do.'' she confessed. She had a feeling Hotch would be there for many more conversations to come. It was easy to talk to him. He didn't push her into any directions. He just let her be and listened to her. That was all she needed in that moment. Just someone to listen, to care and to give her a feeling of belonging.

* * *

**''When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.****''**

**~ Henri Nouwen**


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to JJmyst, jenny crum, BAUMember, waiyeex90 (Thank you so much! That means the absolute world to me!), Christiangirl and .ObSeSsIoN!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.''**

**~ Khalil Gibran**

* * *

''Thank you for lunch. For everything!'' JJ said as she stood across from the taller man. They were standing in front of her house as they were saying goodbye. Lunch had been great and spending with Hotch gave JJ a feeling that she was doing better. He showed her normal life and that even little things could still be as great as they ever were. ''I had a good time.''

''So did I.'' Hotch began as he thought of what to say next. ''I guess I'll see you Monday morning around eight. It's back to early morning coffee and meetings with me to choose the next case.''

A part of JJ was relieved about being demoted to media liaison. She didn't have to deal with the pressure in the field, but all of her hard work seemed to have been for nothing. It had is positives and negatives. She just decided to look at it in the positive light. Less stress was the best if she wanted to move forward with her life. ''Well, that should be a lot of fun.'' she said sarcastically. ''I'll see you! Bye!''

''You don't like early meetings with me?'' he wondered before she could turn around and walk into the small suburban home.

She turned around as he walked closer towards her. She smiled widely as his face turned serious. She couldn't help but laugh as he kept standing in front of, awaiting her answer. ''You're not exactly a morning person, Hotch.'' she explained. ''I like you, I do. But you can be a bully when it comes to work.''

''Yeah, I remember you saying that after Reid was abducted by Tobias Hankel.'' he remembered. ''You were the first person to be honest with me and I appreciated that.''

''Well, it hasn't changed.'' she admitted. ''Goodbye, Hotch!'' she smiled out, turning around to approach her door. She knew he was still standing there for her to explain why he was still a bully, but it was fun to have him squirm. He would figure it out eventually or he wouldn't and then she would tell him eventually.

* * *

JJ was lounging on the couch when the doorbell rang. She jumped up from the couch in complete excitement, knowing Henry was being brought home. She turned the TV off and hid the tequila in the kitchen before she went to the door. On her way to the front of the house, she straightened her cardigan and tank top. She looked into the mirror in the hall and saw she looked totally exhausted. But she turned to the door and opened it with a quick swing.

Her son was standing just in front of her with a big smile on his face. ''Henry!'' JJ called out happily as she scooped him up into her arms. His little arms went around her neck and JJ felt so much better in that moment.

''I missed you, mom.'' he whispered.

''Aww sweetie, I missed you more!'' she whispered, still holding him tightly. She then turned her attention to the other mother standing in the doorway. ''Thanks for bringing him home, Carrie.''

''You're welcome, JJ.'' Carrie said kindly. ''Henry is always welcome, you know that. He and Jimmy always have tons of fun together.''

''Did you and Jimmy have fun together?'' JJ asked Henry as she put him down on the ground. She kneeled down and unzipped his jacket and helped him out of it.

Henry looked up at his mother and smiled sweetly. ''We ate chocolate chip pancakes!'' he exclaimed. ''They were awesome!''

''Awesome, huh?'' JJ smiled out. ''Why don't you go watch some cartoons in the living room!'' she suggested and before she knew it, Henry was already storming into the living room without a thought.

JJ got up from the floor and turned around to face Carrie. ''Thanks again.''

''Will told me you're back at work.'' she began, hoping to get some information out of the blonde. ''How is that going for you?''

''It's going fine.'' JJ responded in annoyance. It immediately made her wonder how much the redhead knew about what happened to her. JJ had expressed to Will that she didn't want to broadcast it to anyone. They told people that she had injured herself during work and that she had two months to recover.

''Really?'' Carrie asked in shock. ''Will said you were in the hospital yesterday. That doesn't sound fine to me. Maybe you should…'' she tried to say but JJ held up her hand interrupted her before another word could leave her lips.

She stepped forward in anger. ''I am fine, Carrie. Thank you for your concern but it isn't necessary.'' she stated as she kept herself together, but the anger was building up inside of her. ''I'll talk to you at school. Bye!''

JJ closed the door gently before Carrie could say another word. The fact that Will had been talking behind her back only angered JJ. She had specifically expressed to Will to keep the situation in the family. She didn't need all the people in her life to know about what happened. It was bad enough that the team knew, more than they ever should have. She didn't want to explain it all to more people. But the anger wasn't was really got to her, she felt hurt because of it. She hadn't spoken to him since the night before and even then it was a simple call about his case and who was staying with Henry. Not once did he ask her how she was holding up. Not even a hint of concern had been traceable in his voice and it made her worry.

JJ brushed it off when she watched her son sitting on the couch watching the cartoons she had recorded earlier. He was smiling widely as he stared at the screen. She dropped down next to him and pulled him against her side gently. She put a soft kiss to his blonde hair. ''I missed you, buddy.'' she whispered softly. Being away from Henry had always been hard but now it seemed even harder than ever before. Maybe it was because she knew how life could be cut short at any moment. And in that moment, as she sat on the couch next to her son, she realized her situation at work was perfect. She would be able to spend more time with him that she did before. It was definitely something great.

''Is dad still catching the bad guy?'' Henry asked curiously.

JJ grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. ''Yeah, he is. I think your dad will be home tonight. So you'll see him tomorrow.'' she replied with all the love poured into her voice. ''It's late. Let's get you to bed!''

JJ was surprised when he went along with her without saying a word. Usually he didn't want to go to bed or he had some excuse to make it as late as possible. So she lifted him up from the couch and walked up the stairs and into his bedroom. She put him down and proceeded to help him change into his pajamas before he climbed into his bed.

''Can you read me a story, mom?'' he asked while JJ sat kneeled beside his bed.

JJ took his favorite book from the top and opened it, smiling when she started reading. '_'Once there was a baby star. He lived up near the sun. And every night at bedtime that baby star wanted to have some fun. He would shine and shine, and fall and shoot and twinkle oh so bright. And he said, ''Mommy, I'll run away if you make me say good-night.'' And then his mommy kissed him on his sparkly nose and said, "No matter where you go, no matter where you are, no matter how big you grow and even if you stray far, I'll love you forever, 'cause you'll always be my baby star._''

She put the book away and got up from the ground. She gave him a quick kiss and watched by the doorway as his eyes closed. It was a bittersweet moment that reminded her of the simple things in life. The reason why she had to keep moving forward. The little boy in the bed was her everything and she would fight with her life to be the best mother she could be to him.

After JJ had put Henry to bed, she went back to the couch and dropped down. She put her hand on the small pillow and let her mind once again take on a life of its own. But she didn't get far without feeling alone and empty. She wished that she had someone by her side in that moment. Just to feel, to care and most all, to belong. To someone, somewhere. And as she lay on the couch, she didn't feel any of those. She felt abandoned and broken. But if she was truly broken it meant that there was something to fix, and she didn't even know if that was going to happen.

She forced herself up from the couch and turned off the lights in the living room. She walked the stairs and moved slowly into her bedroom. Once inside, she closed the door behind her and peeled the clothes from her body. She was left in her bra and panties when she stood in front of the mirror, her breathing heavy and unsteady as her hands moved to her stomach. She closed her eyes and remembered the life she had lost, the reason why she had lost her baby. She choose to be in Afghanistan while she could've been home with her family. She could've been holding the baby in her arms if she had made different choices. If only she had.

But those two words didn't help her much more than anything else did. It only made it worse. No one, not even JJ, would ever be able to explain why she lost the little life that was growing inside of her. And no explanation would ever be good enough, or fair enough. The fact was that it hurt no matter what the circumstance would be.

She moved away from the mirror and put her shorts on and a simple grey shirt. She let herself fall onto the bed and pulled the covers over her petite frame. She moved on her side and faced the picture of the nightstand. It immediately brought tears to her eyes. The pictures was taken four years earlier when they visited Will's mother in New-Orleans. The picture had been taken when they were kissing. Neither of them knew pictures were taken, but it was one of JJ's favorites. There was so much love between them. And she hadn't felt that way for a long time. She didn't know what the cause was or where it went wrong, but her heart knew everything changed after she came back from Afghanistan. She had changed and her capture two months earlier only made things worse than before.

She wished it wasn't the case. She would do anything to go back and change what had happened. She would've done anything to stay with the BAU during that period in time. But going back wasn't an option. So she had to learn to live with the life she led now, even though she knew the road was going to be bumpy and long. She had to try.

* * *

JJ was awoken from her light sleep when she felt a presence next to her in the bed. She stayed frozen in the bed as she felt the hand on her stomach. She knew it had to be Will and as he pulled her close she threw the covers from her body and she jumped from the bed. She quickly disappeared into the bathroom where she leaned on the sink for support. She heard movement coming from the bedroom and few seconds later, she was staring into Will's eyes as he stood in the doorway.

''Come back to bed, JJ!'' he whispered with small eyes. He felt exhausted and just wanted to get some sleep so he could spend Sunday with his wife and son. ''Come on!'' he begged.

She turned around to face him as the disappointment and disbelief took over her expression. She couldn't act as if everything was alright. She just didn't have the stomach for it any longer. ''Just give me a minute.''

Will didn't listen and kept waiting impatiently for JJ to leave the bathroom but she stood hunched over the sink just staring ahead. ''I can't do this anymore.'' he whispered impatiently. ''What is going on?''

Her eyes snapped up to meet his and she turned towards him as her arms were by her sides. ''You can't do this anymore?'' she repeated.

He stepped forward, closing the distance between them step by step. ''I just don't have it in me anymore, JJ.'' he said simply, the pain pouring into his voice as he spoke the words. ''It seems like you're living in your own world and I can't get a moment of your attention!''

JJ took a step back as the tears finally threatened to fall. She kept herself together to keep herself from falling apart in front of him. She couldn't lose control with him. Not in that moment when he was putting the blame on her. ''My attention?'' she asked in complete shock. ''Will, I am barely holding it together!'' she cried out. ''I am really trying here. I have been trying since the team saved me!'' she went on as he stayed silent. She guessed he was at a loss of words when she finally exploded into tears in front of him. ''You've been walking around this house as if nothing ever happened. You don't support me! You don't talk to me! It's always about you.'' she shot back angrily.

She noticed his change of body language, and knew that he regretted his words as soon as she stopped yelling at him. But she wasn't done. Not by far. She had so much more to say. So much more that was bothering her. ''You told Carrie that I was in the hospital!'' she cried out. ''What happened to me isn't her business, Will. It is personal!''

''JJ, I am sorry!'' he croaked out. ''I am so sorry. I didn't mean to…'' he tried to say but he cut her off before another word could be said.

''No! Don't even try it!'' JJ said as she stormed past him. She walked into the bedroom and grabbed boots from the corner. She quickly put them on and was about to walk out of the room when Will blocked the door.

''JJ, let's talk about this!'' he pleaded. ''This is the first time we've really talked since…you know…happened.'' he stumbled anxiously.

She wiped away the tears, trying to get back to her calm self. But with each word it seemed to be getting harder. The words were out and she couldn't go back anymore. She was finally being honest with him and she wasn't going stop. ''It's even worse that you only want to talk about it now!'' she reminded him. ''It has been two months, Will! Two months of complete hell for me and I feel like I have been doing this all on my own!''

''I didn't know how to be around you, JJ.'' he admitted. ''You have always been an independent woman and I thought you needed some space from me.''

She shook her head in disbelief and pushed past him forcefully. She walked down the stairs and disappeared into the small hallway where she gathered her keys and phone. She quickly put on her coat as Will stormed inside.

''Where are you going?''

''You're right! I do need space right now!'' she cried out desperately. ''I'll be back tomorrow!'' she said before she stormed out of her house. She ran towards the SUV as the cold air caused goose bumps on her skin. She felt the tears increasing as she did her best to get away as fast as possible. She felt like Will was putting the blame on her, and she couldn't stand by and listen to it much longer. She had been trying her best to be a good mother and wife and he had been concerned with everything but her. It hurt her and she couldn't understand it anymore. So she needed space and some time to figure out what she needed next.

* * *

**''Our trials, our sorrows, and our grieves develop us.''**

**~ Orison Swett Marden**


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to JJmyst, KatieThomas'95, vituska7, jenny crum, BAUMember, Christiangirl and waiyeex90!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

''**Tears are words the heart can't express****''**

**~ Unknown**

* * *

JJ had been driving around town aimlessly for over an hour when she finally realized where she was going. With tears in her eyes she put her feet on the gas and increased her speed as she drove through the empty streets just outside of DC. She felt like she had nowhere to go. Her mind was blank and her heart felt empty. She was crying more than she had in her entire life. She had no idea where the tears came from. Maybe it were tears of pain, sadness or extreme hurt. Or maybe it was just fear of the unknown. But one thing she did know. It was the worst type of crying she had ever experienced. It was the one in complete silence, which no one else ever shared with you. Her eyes were blurry and she felt like screaming out in anguish, just hoping that someone would hold her close and be with her. Not to tell her that the future was bright, but just someone who told her she wasn't alone. She needed that more than ever. And she realized only one person could give her what she so desperately needed.

So she pulled up in the parking lot of the apartment building and she quickly walked from her car. She walked the same steps she had taken earlier that day. She had memorized the floor and number to his apartment, so she was standing in front of his door about a minute later. She knocked softly and waited until she heard some movement coming from the other side.

Hotch put a hand through his hair as another knock came from his door. He had his gun in his hand as he opened the door in one quick fluid motion. But the sight he then saw was completely shocking to him. It was the last person he expected to be on his doorstep in the middle of the night. It was JJ. Yeah, it was JJ. But it wasn't the JJ he had ever seen before. Her hair was disheveled, her legs bare, her coat hanging loosely over her shoulders and the tears were streaming heavily down her face.

He tried to utter a word. Anything, but nothing came out. So he did the only instinctual thing in that moment. He pulled her flush against his strong chest and put the gun on the side table before his arms found their way around her tiny frame. He closed the door and he felt her sob into his shoulder, her body shaking as he tried to sooth her.

JJ felt his arms locking around her body as the warmth of his body started to seep into hers. She closed her eyes and steadied her breathing as she focused solely on the contact she was experiencing. His embrace, warm, big with strong arms, soft, protective and gentle, caused her to lose track of her tears. She suddenly felt extremely safe. In a way she had never experienced before. She no longer felt like the fragile and vulnerable person she truly was. Something snapped right back into place as she stayed in his protective arms. He gave her comfort, and at the same time she felt sick because she couldn't feel that way with Will. She needed her boss to calm down. Just the thought scared her more than she could ever admit. Once upon a time, before she knew Will, she had a huge crush on Hotch. She always wrote it off as a crush. A simple attraction that had occurred because he was successful and handsome, not to mention that he treated everyone with respect. She often saw him as the perfect man. Sweet, caring, warm and protective. She couldn't believe that Haley ever left him or that she actually filed for divorce. But by the time that happened, JJ had met Will and she never really thought about those feelings again.

But in that moment, his arms tightened around her, she couldn't help it. She felt so safe, so cared for. It reignited something she hadn't felt in years. Maybe it was just because he was there for her, and he was the one person who holding her in that moment. Or maybe, just maybe, it were the old feelings. But she decided to push them away before another thought about her feelings for her boss could surface. It was inappropriate in so many ways. And with that thought she pulled away from him, the tears still in her eyes.

Hotch stepped to the side to let her into his apartment. He closed the door gently and stepped back to watch JJ as she faced away from him. He had no idea what happened. He had an idea. She might have had a nightmare. He knew it probably had everything to do with what she went through.

He didn't move an inch and waited for JJ to say something, but nothing was happening. She was frozen in the same spot, with her eyes on the ground. It scared him a little and the soft shaking of her body made him cringe each time it happened. He couldn't bear to see her so broken. Well, she seemed broken. He had no idea how JJ felt about herself. It had yet to come out. ''JJ, I am about to start something that might cross a line…'' he announced simply as he stepped towards her, closing the distance slowly to keep her comfortable. ''Talk to me! Just really talk to me!'' he begged as she stepped around her. He touched her shoulders and led her to the couch as their eyes connected. She looked at him anxiously, knowing what he was asking. ''You need to tell me what happened!''

JJ let her coat fall off her shoulders as she looked up to see Hotch's shocked expression. She knew it was probably because she looked so thin and the clothes she wore didn't hide that fact any longer. She grabbed both of her shoulders, her arms across her chest. It was reflex as if she was protecting herself from danger, which wasn't the case at all. She breathed in deeply and then out before she responded to him after she had some time to think about it. ''You're my boss.'' she began. ''Isn't it inappropriate to talk about my personal life with you? Like my marriage? And the problems we're having?''

''JJ, you're my friend. You're a colleague and I care about your wellbeing more than crossing a professional line.'' he replied.

''I just don't want you to look at me differently.'' she started off. ''Promise me!''

He sat back in the couch and turned around to fully face her. ''I can't do that.'' he interjected, seeing the fear on her face in an instant. ''Of course I won't look at you in the same way ever again!'' he whispered sadly. ''JJ, you almost died! The team…and…me…I almost lost you.'' he croaked out. ''I suspect you went through hell.'' he went on. ''I don't pity you, that's not what I am saying. I am telling you that I will never want to stop keeping you safe. I will always worry about what can happen in the field, but that's my duty. That's what comes with being your boss.''

JJ swallowed as she took in all of his words. She understood his reasoning, but a part of her was still weary. ''You said: I suspect you went through hell.'' she repeated. ''You didn't read my statement at all?''

''I talked to Cruz briefly and I didn't want to break your privacy. So no, I didn't.'' he said to reassure her. It wasn't his place to read how she described what happened to her. Only the State Department had the right to deal with the investigation afterwards. And when he knew the two agents were safe he had no interest anymore. Their safety was all that ever mattered to him. ''Have you talked to Cruz at all?''

''No, I haven't.'' she answered. ''I haven't spoken to him since the ambulance. I just wanted to give him some time, you know.'' she responded heavily. Her voice was barely audible as she flashed back to the moment in the ambulance. Her friend, one of her best friend, had nearly been killed. She had gone through that hell with him and he had protected her from something far worse than the torture. He had her back, just like he did in Afghanistan. But JJ didn't have the nerve of courage to call him. Hearing his voice, seeing his face, would put her back in those moments. She couldn't face that. She was too afraid to even it admit it. But seeing Matt wasn't something she could handle just yet. ''I…I…I didn't want to remind him of what happened to him.'' she went on with a shaking voice. ''I don't think I am ready to see him, Hotch.''

''I wasn't implying that you have to see him, JJ. I was just wondering.'' he assured quickly. He stayed silent for a while as he watched JJ closely. He could see she was fighting the tears with extreme cause. He recognized her struggle to keep it all inside and to pretend to be fine. But in JJ's case, she was sitting right next to him and he was there for her. He knew he'd be there for whatever she needed him. He wasn't going to give up on her, and from what he expected, Will had. There could be no other reason for her to be at his apartment in the middle of night. ''JJ…'' he whispered to get her attention.

She carefully looked at him with doubt, her eyes trying to hold his as the tears sprang back to life. She suddenly felt his hand on her knee as she prepared herself to talk. ''I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to get past this!'' she cried out. ''I don't know how to be the person he needs me to be. I don't know how to come back from this, Hotch.''

He gently moved closer towards her, putting his arms around her, he pulled her close. She put her head on his shoulder as she cried again and this time everything was coming out. Hotch could sense it. JJ looked completely distraught and the look in her eyes was terrifying him. She was really lost. More than he thought she'd be. It really did scare him and he had no idea how he could be the one to help JJ. He was nothing more than a friend to her. Not to mention that he was her boss. He was afraid she would never truly open up to him because of shame or guilt. He just didn't know. And in that moment he tightened his hold around her body and he shed his first tear with her. He hadn't cried in ages, but as he held the blonde he couldn't help it. He was scared for her. Afraid of her future and her present. He put his head above hers as he felt the softness of her hair tickle again his chin, and he couldn't help but wonder why the two of them were there. Sharing that moment. A moment that should've been shared with their significant others. He never thought he'd be on his couch with his subordinate wrapped in his arms. But most of all, he never imagined that she'd be able to pull the emotions out of him, which she did. There was an unexplainable understanding between them. It had always been there, especially the first six years when she worked as media liaison. When she came back lots changed and their friendship seemed to have vanished into thin air. They no longer had real in-depth conversations about their lives. It was all about work, and now he realized it was probably because she had changed so much and because of what she had seen after leaving the BAU. He should've seen those changes sooner and he blamed himself for being so oblivious to how the blonde had been acting since her rushed return. Everything was happening so quickly, and when JJ came back, Beth came into his life a little later and he focused on that more than his subordinate. It was what it was supposed to be like, but he had overlooked so much pain and hurt, such a devastating past. It sickened him to know there could've been some way to stop it all.

''I failed you, JJ.'' he croaked and she pulled away in response. ''I failed you, and I am so sorry!''

''Hotch, don't!'' she begged, her voice filled with a tenderness he had never heard before. She didn't want him to feel guilty in any way. None of it was his fault. He wasn't to blame and never would be. ''I told you this before, and I will tell you again…'' she started. ''You wouldn't have been able to get anything out of me when I came back. I had a duty to this country, to my job, to keep it all a secret. I came back a different person, I know. But there's no way that anyone could've changed that. It just happened.''

''How did Will feel after the secrets came out?'' he asked carefully but with purpose. He had been trying to know how her marriage was doing. She hadn't talked about it all and he felt like it was holding her back and hurting her the most.

JJ sighed in deeply as she thought back to two months earlier. After she was saved they had a moment of fleeting happiness, but she soon enough realized that was just because they were reunited after a scary situation. Their happiness soon wore off when the trauma came back to haunt JJ every day, and since then nothing was the same as before. ''We talked before we met you guys in the bar and I told everything about my time in Afghanistan and he said he understood and that we should just move on.''

''But you didn't tell him about your miscarriage?'' he guessed from her tone of voice and the way she had adverted her eyes as she spoke. ''JJ?''

''I wanted to spare him the pain, Hotch.'' she insisted. ''He didn't really lose anything because he never knew about it.''

Hotch understood her thought process but a part of him felt like her husband deserved to know about something like that. ''JJ, you can't go through that alone. That's not fair to you or Will...'' he tried to say but JJ cut him off.

''I've been going through everything alone since the team saved me. Will doesn't pay attention to my nightmares. He doesn't ask me what's bothering me.'' she summed heavily. ''He hasn't been interested at all. There's nothing left for us to talk about. Nothing has been the same and it's like we both walk around on eggshells when we're with each other.''

''Oh, JJ.'' he breathed out after he let it all sink in. ''I didn't know it has been so bad. I am so sorry.'' he went on. ''But to be honest, I think that makes Will an idiot, JJ. He's your husband and he's supposed to be there through it all. I just can't believe he has been such a jerk to you.''

JJ quickly put her hand on his arms to stop him from turning angrier than he already seemed to be. It made her blush that Hotch was so protective, but she was in the marriage too. ''It's not just him. It's me too.'' she began to explain. ''I don't feel comfortable in my own home and I just internalize and don't talk to him. We're both to blame, but tonight it just got to be too much. He finally wanted to talk after we got into this huge argument, and I also found he told one of the mom's at Henry's school about me.'' she rambled on, not noticing that Hotch looked at her with big eyes. ''He just doesn't care about my feelings. I just don't know what to do about it, Hotch. I can't believe that this is happening. I can't lose him.'' she cried out.

''I know, JJ. I know.'' he said with a soothing voice. ''Stay here tonight.'' he suggested out of the blue.

''What?'' she asked in shock. ''No, Hotch! I can't impose on you like that.''

''JJ, I insist.'' he interjected. ''I am not letting you go home to a house you don't feel comfortable in. You're staying here for a long as you need to and you can bring Henry along whenever you need to.'' he went on. ''I don't care about crossing a professional boundary. This about you, and getting better. I insist!''

JJ was taken aback by his offer, but knowing she had another place to go meant the world to her. It was exactly what she needed. She felt suffocated at home. So she was going to take the offer. ''Okay, sure. Thanks, Hotch!''

''There's no need to thank me!'' he whispered with ease. He felt a lot better in that moment just because he knew that JJ had a safe place to go. And as weird as it was supposed to be, it felt absolutely natural. Things were easy between them and he would help her through her road of recovery wherever she needed him. He was going to be there for her no matter what.

* * *

''**There are amazingly wonderful people in all walks of life; some familiar to us and others not. Stretch yourself and really get to know people. People are in many ways one of our greatest treasures.****''**

**~ Bryant H. McGill**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Here's another chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to JJmyst, guest, Beautiful-Liar13, jenny crum, BAUMember and Christiangirl!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.''**

**~ Leo Buscaglia**

* * *

The sound of a high and squeaky voice echoing through the hallway of the apartment caused JJ to sit straight up as her heart started pounding in her chest. She had been in such a deep sleep that it took her a moment to register where she was and what happened that night. As she took in her surroundings, the calmness quickly washed over her. Knowing she was in Hotch's house made her feel safe and protected. She looked at the bedside table and noticed it was just a little past eleven o'clock. She removed the blankets from her body and carefully stepped from the bed, still wearing the black shorts and grey shirt from the night before. She instantly felt ashamed that she had showed up in that outfit on her boss' doorstep. But she couldn't go back. So she walked towards the door and opened it up and peaked around the door. She didn't see anyone but she heard whispers coming from the living room. She was about to pull back when she heard little footsteps coming her way, so she moved to the middle of hall and waited.

It didn't take long before Jack stormed into the hallway, his face full of excitement as he realized that JJ was in his home. He ran towards her and jumped into her open arms without a doubt. ''Aunt JJ!'' he exclaimed in happiness as JJ twirled them both around in the hallway.

JJ put him back down when she realized that he wasn't that easy to hold anymore. Jack had grown a lot since she last saw him. A hell of a lot and it saddened her that she hadn't seen him in such a long time. ''It's so awesome to see you, Jack!'' JJ said with excitement, realizing the boy had lifted her spirits immediately. ''How have you been?''

Hotch was leaning against the wall, just watching the sight in front of him unfold. For a few seconds he made eye contact with JJ as she looked over Jack's shoulder. He smiled back widely. He couldn't stop smiling as he heard Jack ramble on about school and his soccer games and JJ stayed kneeled in front of him as she talked to him without any difficulty. It made him very happy to see that his son was so fond of the younger profiler. Jack didn't see JJ very often but when they did it was sort of like magic. It just clicked immediately, just like with him and JJ. There was something genuine and down to earth about her that just made him feel comfortable. And he realized Jack was just as comfortable with her as he was. It was all he could ask for in that moment.

''Jack, your pancakes are ready.'' Hotch said to let the little boy know he could finally eat the breakfast he had been waiting for all week.

''Go eat your pancakes, buddy.'' JJ said happily as the little boy turned around. She waited for him to disappear before she approached Hotch slowly. They both stopped halfway and JJ noticed that he was actually smiling. It wasn't something she was very often, but she loved a smile on his face. It made him look so much lighter, happier even. It even made her smile. ''I…I…uh…thank you for letting me stay the night.'' she stumbled.

''You're welcome.'' he said as he looked down at her clothes. He realized she probably wanted to change into something more comfortable that would cover her up. ''You can borrow some of Beth's clothes.'' he offered as he walked towards his own bedroom. He waited for JJ and let her walk inside first. He quickly walked to his closet and pulled out a few things that JJ could wear. He knew the clothes were probably too big for her, but something was better than nothing. ''It's pretty warm outside and I thought we could pick up Henry and take the boys to the playground and get some ice-cream.''

''That's sounds nice.'' JJ said as she took the clothes from his hands. ''I just don't know if Will wants to spent some time with him.'' she said hesitantly.

''Of course, I understand. Let's go to your house after breakfast and then we'll see what happens.'' he suggested as he walked back to his door. He turned around to face her when she followed him out of the room. ''You can take a shower if you want to and I'll make us some breakfast.''

''Sure,'' JJ agreed. She stayed glued in the same spot as Hotch left her alone in his bedroom. She took the moment alone to take in her surroundings. His bedroom was a lot like him. Quite cold and distant on the outside but if you looked closer, warm and inviting. He had several pictures of himself and Jack, and there was one of him and Beth. She lifted the picture up and looked at it closely. He looked absolutely happy in the picture as his arms were wrapped around the brunette. JJ was happy for him that he had finally found someone that made him happy, but deep down, a place hidden deep inside of her, she couldn't help but wonder if Beth was really the right person for him. But she knew it wasn't her place to question his relationship with another woman, because it wasn't. She was just a friend, so she put the picture back down and quickly stepped into the bathroom.

* * *

JJ was leaving the bathroom a few minutes later in Beth's clothes. They were a little baggy but she managed to make it look a little fashionable. She had put on a simple summery black dress with a blue cardigan and a belt wrapped around her waist to make it look as if she did fit into the clothes. She made her way through the hall and back towards the living room and kitchen. Once she was there, she was Hotch and Jack seated at the dinner table, both with smiles on their faces. It looked like breakfast had been cook and she could eat with them when she wanted to. But she couldn't help but feel a little weird about it. She knew she was supposed to do that at home with Henry and Will, and she immediately felt the guilt hit her like a truck. She had left her kid at home. What was she thinking? How could she?

''JJ, are you alright?'' Hotch asked when he watched her take a few steps back. ''JJ?'' he asked and this time she was turning around and walking out of his sight. He rose from his chair and gave Jack a quick nod before he left him alone to eat. He walked to the guestroom where he heard movements. He stepped inside only to find JJ gathering her things in a frenzy. ''JJ!'' he called out once again, and this time he caught her attention.

She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and let her stuff fall to the ground. She dropped down on the bed and put her head in her hands. ''I am so sorry!''

''What just happened?''

''Seeing you with Jack made me realize that I should be at home with Henry instead of here, bothering you.'' she spoke out sadly. ''I just…I have to find a way to work through my problems or I might lose everyone I care about.''

He stepped in front of her and bend down so he was on the same eye level as her. ''JJ, you're not bothering me at all. Plus, Jack adores you and is very excited to spent the day with Aunt JJ.'' Hotch repeated. ''Just relax, okay! It will all be fine.''

''How do you manage to be in control?'' she asked. ''How come you don't struggle?''

He finally sat down next to her to take the time to explain a little about himself. People overestimated him all the time. He wasn't always in control and he struggled just as much as every other agent. He just found a way to not show it. ''I struggle, JJ. I am not always in control of my emotions or actions.'' he went on. ''The truth is that I struggle. You might think I am a hardened man but I struggle all the time. With this life, my job and the costs it has. Everything I can't have because of it.'' he explained. ''But in the end I feel like it's all worth it because we save lives, we do our small part in making this world a better place. Sometimes we fail and other times we don't. That's the job.''

''You just hide it so well and sometimes I am so in awe of you in the way you handle everything so well.'' she added. ''You're an example to everyone in our team when it comes to handling our jobs.''

He shrugged his shoulders, feeling flattered by her response but at the same time he knew his way wasn't always the right one. Definitely not, and he needed her to know that. ''I've always wished I could be more like you.''

''Really?'' she asked in complete surprise. She had no idea why he wanted to be more like her. She had always looked up to Hotch as the best agent she knew. He was composed, trustworthy, an amazing leader and he was honorable.

''Over the years I have seen you with families and victims and it truly astonishes me.'' he replied. ''You put so much heart into your work. You are so gentle and caring that is sometimes shocked me. But it also worried me from time to time because I know it becomes much harder when you're emotionally involved.''

JJ nodded, knowing he was right. She had been trying to be less involved since she returned to the BAU. She came back stronger and more objective than ever before, but a part of her missed her old self. She missed that soft side, the way she was once able to talk to families and victims and the amount of joy she could pour into her work, knowing they saved another life. All those aspects had changed. For it was no longer about saving the victims, but it was about catching the unsubs and she knew it was the wrong motivation. She just never really realized that before. ''I…uh…stopped that after I came back.'' she admitted. ''Before Afghanistan my views were different. I hadn't seen everything yet, and it changed me. I have been a different person since I came back and I think my abduction changed me too.'' she went on without tears. It was a first in a few days and she felt relieved about it. ''I wished it didn't, but it has.''

''Change isn't always a bad thing, JJ.'' Hotch commented. ''People change all the time and it's up to you whether it'll affect you in a negative or positive way.''

JJ felt their shoulders touching, and it caused her eyes to look up at his. They were filled with compassion. ''I just have to find my way again.'' she croaked out, even though she had no idea how she was ever going to find her way again when she felt so completely lost. She just hoped that there would be a moment when everything would become clear and she'd know what to do.

''Come on, let's have breakfast!'' Hotch insisted as he stood up from the bed. He held out his hand and JJ took if for support as she smiled up at him. He let go of her hand when she walked out the door and he followed her into the kitchen where Jack was still working on his pancakes. He sat down next to JJ and watched as she shyly put some food on her place. He still couldn't believe that it was actually happening. The picture in front of him seemed so far out of reach, yet he was there. It was the picture you would see of a happy family, eating breakfast together, but he knew it wasn't his family. JJ belonged somewhere else, to someone else, and he knew her seat belonged to his girlfriend. So he focused solely on the moment and burned it into his memory so he could never forget it.

* * *

**''Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.''**

**~ Mother Teresa**


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Here's another chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to KatieThomas'95, JJmyst, waiyeex90, guest and Christiangirl (I promise this story will have those moments! I am just trying to keep a believable pace for this situation. It will definitely have some great Hotch/JJ moments with lots of romance, but it might take a little longer to get there than with my other stories. I do hope that you will enjoy this even though the moments aren't in it yet.)

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''Family is not an important thing. It's everything.****''**

**~ Michael J. Fox**

* * *

It was an hour later when JJ forced herself out of the passenger's seat of Hotch's SUV, parked in front of her small home. She opened the door and pushed herself to set her feet on the ground. She turned around one more time and got an encouraging nod from Hotch. She finally managed to pry herself away from the door and she closed it softly. She then turned around and started to make her towards her front door, each step harder than the one before. She was feeling a sickening dread in the pit of her stomach. She didn't want to be in another fight with Will. She didn't want to be having problems with him at all while she was dealing with so much more. It felt unfair and childish, but their problems were real. Very real even. It caused her to storm out of her house in the middle of the night and end up at her boss' apartment. It wasn't right, but nothing in her life had been right in the past couple of years. Her transfer out of the BAU changed everything. It tore so much away from her, and she knew nothing would ever be the same again, but she had to try. She had to find a way to live. A way to be happy.

She halted in front of the door and put the keys in the lock. She turned it around and opened the door silently. She immediately heard the sound of the TV in her ears, and from the voices she knew it was Henry who was sitting in the living room. She walked inside and her suspicions were confirmed. Henry was indeed sitting behind the TV with a smile on his face.

''Henry!'' JJ called out, her voice soft and tender. She watched as he immediately responded to the sound of her voice. He kneeled on the couch as she walked towards him. ''Where's your dad?''

''Sleeping, mom!'' he exclaimed happily. ''I let…him sleep.''

JJ sat down next to her son in complete disbelief. The little boy had woken up alone without her. She couldn't help but feel guilty and she hoped Hotch's plans would make up for her absence that night. ''Jack and Hotch are waiting for us outside so we can all go the playground. Would you like to come with us?''

''Yeah! Yay!'' he yelled out as his smile became even bigger. ''Jack is here? Jack is awesome.''

She stepped from the couch and lifted Henry up so she could put him down on the ground. ''You should go change and I'll talk to your dad. Alright, buddy?''

''Yeah!''

Before JJ could say another word, Henry had already disappeared up the stairs. She turned off the TV and then followed her son up the stairs, but she didn't go into his room. Instead, she walked into the master bedroom and threw the door shut behind her in a rage. She couldn't believe that Will wouldn't wake up early enough to take care of their son, knowing she was gone. He was irresponsible and she hated it. To her it felt like he did it to get back at her in a way. They never fought like that, not once. They had shared their discussions from time to time, but those were mostly because Will was trying to get JJ to marry him. And when he had been shot in the bank, JJ knew she couldn't lose him. She had seen her life flash before her eyes and she couldn't imagine life without him. But now she was wondering in what capacity. Was it out of concern for her son? Or because she loved him so much? She just didn't know anymore. She was confused and lost and her feelings were everywhere. She no longer knew what she wanted out of life.

''Will, wake up!'' she called out with annoyance as she opened the curtains. The room was dark and filled with a tension, even though her husband was barely awake. ''Will!''

The voice in the room caused him to sit up in the bed, and when he saw the blonde standing in front of the closet he was suddenly wide awake. He jumped out of the bed and quickly put on his sweats. He came up from behind JJ and put a hand on her shoulder. ''JJ, I am so glad that you're back!''

She turned around slowly to face him, and the amount of pain in his expression shocked her. He looked at her with a regret she had never seen in him before. ''We have to talk, Will.'' she croaked, remembering the conversation she had with Hotch the night before. She really couldn't go through it alone. She needed Will now more than ever. So she couldn't keep secrets from him. ''We need to talk because I am not willing to lose you!'' she cried out in vain. She couldn't stand to lose him. She loved him and she needed him. She needed her family.

''You're not going to lose me, JJ. I won't let it happen.'' he whispered as he pulled her close and embraced her, his arms hugging her tightly. ''I am so sorry about last night. I never meant to hurt you.''

She broke away so she could look at him again. She felt like they were finally having a real conversation in months and she wasn't about to let it pass by. She was going to be blunt and honest. ''I know things haven't been easy. I know I haven't been easy. And I realize that being around me can't have been comfortable for you. But I need you, Will. I need you to talk to me and I need to be able to talk to you.'' she went on as the tears stung in her eyes. ''I need you to care enough to try!''

''Oh cher, I care.'' Will said softly. ''I love you, JJ. We will find a way to get through this.''

JJ nodded her head in response, feeling a bit happier. But she still had a feeling in the pit of her stomach. A feeling she couldn't exactly describe and it scared her. She didn't know what it meant. So she just decided to ignore it. ''I…I…am taking Henry with me on a playdate with Jack.''

''Jack? Hotchner?'' Will asked in surprise and when JJ nodded his question was answered. ''Well, have fun! I'll be at the station for a few hours to work on the case.''

''I'll see you tonight!'' JJ whispered before she walked out the door. She walked into Henry's room and watched as he struggled to get his arms through a shirt. She kneeled down in front of him and gently tucked the shirt down.

''Are you happy to see Jack?'' JJ asked to say something and ignore the bad feeling. She forced herself to look at her son with a happy expression. She just had a good conversation with her husband, but it felt short and too easy. Their problems couldn't be solved in an instant and she wondered how much more it was going to take for Will to realize that as well. But in that moment she forced herself to pay attention to her son and the day they were about to have. She couldn't wait to see Henry and Jack together. It had been a while but the two boys always got along amazingly.

''Mom?'' Henry asked when she took his hand. ''Is dad coming?'' he murmured.

''Your dad has to work, sweetie. But we can still have fun, okay?'' JJ said sadly when Henry's expression mirrored her own. She could immediately see the disappointment on his usually happy face. ''But Hotch is coming with us so that'll be fun.''

''Hotchy is coming?''

''Yeah, he is.'' JJ smiled widely at the nickname her son had given her boss. Hotchy. It sounded funny and she couldn't wait for Hotch to hear it himself. She knew he wouldn't mind that Henry would call him that but she couldn't wait to see the look of endearment on his face. ''Let's go!'' JJ encouraged as she took his hand.

They walked through the house and didn't see Will before they left. JJ closed the door behind her and saw that Hotch stepped from the SUV as soon as he spotted her with Henry. She shot him a quick smile as she walked towards the car. She felt Henry prying his hand out of hers so he could run towards Hotch. She let him go and watched as the little boy stopped in front of him.

''Hi, Hotchy!'' Henry greeted shyly as he looked up at the taller man with excitement. ''Is Jack in the car?''

Hotch lifted Henry up and opened the door to the backseat. He put Henry down in the seat as the two boys immediately started talking to each other in excitement. Hotch kept laughing as he secured the seatbelt. He carefully closed the door and turned his attention to JJ, who was leaning against his door. He turned to face her. ''Hotchy, huh?'' he teased. ''Did you come up with that?''

She pushed herself away from the car and shot him a quick but happy wink. ''He came up with it all on his own. I promise you!''

''Somehow I don't believe you.'' he began with a big smile on his face, showing off the dimples people rarely saw. ''I will make sure Jack comes up with a name for you. It'll just take me some time to find a good one.''

JJ was on her way to the passenger's side and before she stepped inside she waited a moment and looked up at the house, seeing Will staring down at her from their bedroom. It gave her a feeling of discomfort and bad things to come. She stared back at him for a few more seconds before stepping into the SUV.

Will had been looking out the window since JJ walked outside with Henry. He had seen the scene unfold and every part of him ached to be down there with them, but he knew it would never feel right. Something was different after JJ returned from her disappearance. Their marriage wasn't the same, and he was afraid he was about to lose the woman he loved. He feared it more than anything. And watching her with Hotch didn't make it much easier. He knew JJ had always liked him in a different way than the other men on her team, but he never expected that they would grow so close in her time of need. He was supposed to be the one she turned to, and it worried him. So instead of going to work, he had taken the day off to contemplate everything. His marriage to JJ. Her happiness. His happiness. And if there was even a marriage left to salvage. It was a lot to think of in one day, but he realized steps needed to be taken. Something had to change or else their relationship would fall apart completely and he wasn't about to let that happen. He loved JJ. He truly did, but they couldn't go on the way they had. It wasn't working for either of them and in the end it could only hurt Henry more if they stayed together for the sake of their son. He knew that wasn't a good enough reason. He didn't want Henry to grow up in a loveless marriage. He wanted the best for his child and for JJ. He just hoped that everything would turn out to be the best for all three of them, but deep down he couldn't help but fear that someone could get hurt along the way.

* * *

**''Fear makes us feel our humanity.****''**

**~ Benjamin Disraeli**


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to Emmie D, BAUMember, JJmyst, Westie80, guest, jenny crum and Christiangirl!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**''Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us.****''**

**~ Steven Tyler**

* * *

JJ sat down on the bench next to Hotch with the ice cream in her hand. She sat back and watched Jack and Henry playing with a bunch of other kids. The playground was filled with parents and children because of the great weather. It was an amazing day to be outdoors as the sun was bright up in the sky. It was a great day, but as great as it was, there was a lot going through her head and enjoyment seemed to be out of the question. She kept flashing back to the moment she saw Will looking down at her from the bedroom window. There was something off about that moment. It was as if it was a moment of reassurance for him and she had no idea what to do about it.

Hotch looked to his side and quickly noticed that JJ was out of it. She had barely touched her ice cream and she was staring off into the distance with a blank expression. ''Did you talk to Will?''

She had a feeling he was going to ask her about it, even though it was the last thing she felt like talking about. But she also didn't want to seem ungrateful to him. Hotch had been amazing and ignoring him wasn't something she was about to start. ''Yeah, I did.'' she said hesitantly and when she looked him in the eyes, she could nearly feel him asking for more than just that answer. So she drew a long breath as her hands clutched the ice cream. ''I…I…uhm…'' she sniffled and stopped when her breath faltered. She didn't know what to say because she didn't know what to think of it.

''JJ, what is it?'' Hotch asked with concern, unknowingly letting his hand touch her bare knee in response to seeing her upset. ''JJ?'' he forced.

She pushed herself to return his gaze, to not hide from her feelings, but it was hard. She was scared for the truth. She was scared of what she was feeling. She could only feel dread when it came to Will, and she felt ashamed of it. He was her husband after all and that wasn't the way she was supposed to feel about him. It wasn't right. But was it really wrong? She just didn't know the answer. ''It felt like we were both denying our problems.'' she finally spoke out, wanting to get to another subject. But it wasn't something you could easily change. And as she sat back and ate some of her ice cream, she wondered how Hotch managed his love life. She couldn't imagine how hard it was for him with his job, Jack and then his long distance relationship with Beth. She admired him for not giving up on their relationship, and it made her wonder if she and Will would ever make the same sacrifice for one another. In the past they would've but now it was different. ''How do you and Beth make it work?'' she blurted out without much thought and she hoped Hotch didn't mind.

''It's a hard and long process.'' he said as he glanced up at her again. ''With our jobs it'll never be easy. We don't have a regular work schedule so any time I have with her has to be spontaneous. It's tough, but I feel like she's worth it.'' he went on as he noticed that JJ tucked a lock of hair behind her ear as her eyes stayed with his the entire time. He felt a chill going through his entire body, like she was having a peek into his soul. But he quickly went on with his words before everything turned awkward for him. ''She is worth it. I know she is.'' he said as if trying to reassure himself but not JJ of his own feelings. Being with Beth, as amazing as it was, it did make him question a lot from time to time. It was a difficult relationship, but he didn't want to give up because she moved a few hours away. Their relationship was to important too him for that. So he fought each day to at least talk to her with their busy schedules.

''That's great, Hotch.'' JJ whispered with a fake smile on her face. ''I am really happy for you. You deserve it after all you've been through. You deserve to be happy!'' she croaked out and then she rose from the bench, her heart pounding, her head spinning. Something was so different when she was around him. Her feelings had started to change since she had the conversation with him in his office. And as she quickly walked away from the bench, she realized her moment of confusion was all about jealousy. She was jealous of her boss and his girlfriend. She just didn't know if it had anything to do with the kind of relationship they had or if it had anything to with her growing closeness with Hotch. But it didn't matter. It all felt so wrong because it wasn't like her. Not at all.

Hotch's first urge was to run after her after she walked away out of the blue, but someone had to keep an eye on the two boys who were running around with each other. So he sat on the edge of the bench, following JJ with his eyes as she disappeared behind his car. He didn't want her to be on her own. He hated that he couldn't run after her and his heart ached as he was staring off into the distance without seeing her pretty smile. He hated it, and he could almost beat himself up for talking about how happy he was, knowing that JJ was going through tough times.

* * *

In the meantime JJ was sitting down on the pavement with her phone in her hands, contemplating the step she wanted to take next. She watched a few people walk by and when the streets seemed to clear up, she dialed the familiar number, knowing it would go straight to voicemail and that was exactly what she wanted. She waited for the beeps so she could deliver her message.

''_Hey Em!'' _she said with extreme excitement and sadness all at once, if it was even possible to pour so much emotion into a simple greeting. She breathed in deeply before moving on to the next part. She didn't know exactly what to say, but she knew her former colleague was still one of her best friends and talking to her always made her happy. _''How are you? I know it's been a while since we last spoke…I…I am really sorry for not returning your phone call last week.'' _she went on. _''I've just been going through a lot and I wanted to leave you a message. I really need your advice!'' _she nearly cried out. _''I haven't been doing so great since I returned to work about a week ago and Hotch has really helped me out, but it feels really wrong to turn to him. I just need to get some perspective on everything and I thought a girl's would be best.'' _she went on as she wiped the tears away from her cheeks. _''I miss you! Call me when you can. Bye!''_

She stayed in the same spot for another five minutes before she finally decided to get back to Hotch and the kids. She walked down the street and mentally prepared herself for questions Hotch was going to ask because she had stormed off without a single word. So she kept her face expressionless on purpose so he wouldn't be able to see through her, even though he managed to read her like an open book most of the time. She saw that Hotch was running around with the boys as soon as she had a clear view of the playground. She stopped once again and watched as he threw her son over his shoulder and started running away from Jack while still carrying Henry. She noticed that he slowed down on the purpose so Jack could catch up with him, and when he did he put Henry to the ground and both boys started chasing him throughout the entire playground. JJ couldn't help but smirk at the sight in front of her. Seeing Hotch so free and childlike was a whole other side of him, and she liked it very much. It was endearing and when he fell to the ground and the boys jumped him, she chuckled and started making her way back.

''Looks like you guys are having fun!'' JJ said as she hovered above the three of them with a big grin on her face.

''We caught the bad guy, aunt JJ!'' Jack exclaimed as he kneeled down next to his father. ''Daddy played the bad guy who took Henry away and then we caught him! Now we're heroes just like you and Dad!''

JJ did the same as Jack and kneeled down next to Hotch as he lay fully on the ground, pretending to be dead. ''You sure did, buddy!'' JJ smiled out as she watched Henry play along with Jack. ''Is the bay guy dead, Henry?''

Henry waved his hand in front of Hotch's face and when he got no response, he threw his arms into the air in victory. ''We won!''

In that moment Hotch gave JJ a big wink and he sat straight up and pulled both boys into his arms and held them for a few seconds. ''It's a good thing that I am not a bad guy then!'' he said gently as Henry and Jack squealed in his arms. ''I am suddenly very hungry. What do you guys think about pizza and a movie at our house?''

''Yeah!'' the boys yelled out in unison as they moved away from Hotch so he had some room to get up from the ground.

He dusted the sand off of his clothes and then turned to look at JJ, wondering what see thought about the plans. ''If it's okay with you.'' he let her know so she knew he wasn't undermining her in any way.

''Sounds like a plan!'' she smiled back as she took her son's hand so they could walk back to the car.

* * *

The rest of the day wore on quicker than any of them intended. The boys had been watching three movies in a row as they sat on the couch with the two parents, who were both preoccupied with other thoughts. A new day of the week was about to start and they both realized what that meant. It meant a new case for the entire team, but for JJ is was so much more. She felt an extended pressure because of her appointment with the department therapist. Not to mention that she had to go back to her old role. Well, a part of it at least. But it still scared her a lot. She wondered how the team would face the change. She didn't want them to think she couldn't handle being a profiler. She couldn't deal with anyone looking down on her and so far that hadn't happened yet, but she feared that it might. And that's where her head had been all night. Fear. Fear was what led her life since her captivity, along with images of the torture. She realized they might never go away, and that was an even worse thought. So she had tried to push herself to a better, happier, subject. Something like the great moment she had witnessed on the playground, but that was for a short moment in time. It instantly led her to wonder why her friend, or in better terms, her boss, was being so friendly to her while she had been a complete wreck. She couldn't help but wonder what his motives were, and she knew it was because she didn't trust as easily as before. Maybe, she no longer trusted at all. But she knew it was stupid to question Hotch. He was a loyal guy who would put his friends and family before himself. He always had. He had proved it on so many occasions. So in the end she knew she had nothing to worry about for the next day. She was just going to let it come and let the day unfold. It was all she could do.

* * *

**''You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'''**

**~ Eleanor Roosevelt**


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to KatieThomas'95, JJmyst, jenny crum, guest and Christiangirl!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**"A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended." **  
**~ Ian McEwan  
**

* * *

The office was the same as it always had been. The desk was still there, everything was. The only things missing were the dozens of case files that used to be all over the place. But she knew that was quickly going to change now that she had her old role back. She motioned towards the chair and slowly sat down as she met Hotch's eyes, feeling a little sad as she was back where she used to be years ago, but on the other hand it also felt like a fresh start. This was her chance to move forward and try to find herself again. If it were ever possible. It was all she wanted. To go back a few years and change choices she made, things that were forced upon her. If she had known what she was about to experience because of her transfer, she would've never left and if they forced her, she would've easily quit. So much could've been different in that moment. Instead of looking at her boss with an empty stare, she should've been gazing at him with joy and happiness, and maybe even a little ease. She just wanted her old life back, where everything was mundane, just simple. She loved that life, and yet she felt she couldn't grab onto it at all. It felt so far out of reach to her.

Hotch stood across from the desk as he stared at his colleague intently, taking in every move she made, the expression on her face and the way her eyes seemed to dart across the room. He couldn't exactly get a good read on her, but he soon enough realized it was as weird for him as it was for her. JJ back in her old role was something he never imagined to see again, let alone under her circumstances. But after their latest case he realized she wasn't ready for more. She couldn't handle it and he wasn't about to make life harder on her than it had to be. When she came back he suddenly felt a very strong need to protect while everything else went back to normal. The rest of the team acted the same way around her, like she hadn't been through anything traumatic. Although he did notice the protective way Derek looked at her, the way Garcia tried to cheer her up, how Rossi gave her a supportive pat on the shoulder, the facts Reid threw at her when a horrific photo appeared on the screen and how Blake managed to advert her attention. And he had noticed all of that during just one case. They acted as if everything was fine, but in their own way they tried to help her. And he just didn't know where he came in. He had been a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to and share experiences with, and because of that he couldn't help but wonder how JJ felt about it. If it was truly what she wanted and needed from him. Maybe she needed him to back off, but from experience he knew that wasn't about to happen. He only had her best interest at heart and nothing could change that.

His eyes landed at JJ when she stared at her phone and he realized it was almost time for her first session. Deep down he probably felt as nervous about it as she did. He didn't know why. He hadn't been able to find a satisfactory explanation for his nerves concerning the blonde. It was all a mystery. ''Is it time?'' he wondered out loud.

JJ looked up and met his eyes after he finished his sentence. ''Yeah, I have to go.'' she said with a shaky voice as she rose from the chair. She motioned towards the door but was stopped when Hotch blocked her path and opened it for her. She gave him an appreciative nod as she was about to pass him by, and then stopped and turned back to face him. ''Should I present the case after I come back?''

''Yeah, that's fine.'' he said affectionately. ''See you soon!''

''Bye!'' JJ whispered as she practically forced herself to keep walking. She stopped in front of the elevator and felt relieved when no one happened to join her when she pushed her button to go two floors down. During the short and quiet ride, she breathed in and out steadily to prepare herself to be calm and collected for the session. She didn't want to see a shrink, but she wasn't going to refuse, knowing it could put her job in serious jeopardy. She went along with Hotch's suggestion and decided to lie and be acting as if everything was fine. She was a trained profiler after all, so the art of lying shouldn't be that hard for her.

She stepped inside the office where a chipper woman was sitting behind a desk and she suddenly felt out of place. The short brunette gazed back at her, letting her know she was waiting for a name before she could let JJ inside the office.

''Jennifer Jareau. I have a 10 am appointment.'' she stated simply as she moved around uncomfortably. Her blazer was wrapped neatly around her upper body and hid how skinny she had really become, and the skirt was just above her knees and made her look professional but comfortable. She smoothed down the material and nearly jumped out of her own skin when the brunette started talking.

''Dr. Olson is ready to see you!'' she said, her voice high and excited as she gave JJ a big smile as if the world depended on it.

JJ gave her a quick nod to avoid more words coming from her as she opened the door. She stepped inside the simple office, which was welcoming and scary at the same time. The doctor had her back turned towards her and even from behind JJ didn't recognize her. She at least expected to know the woman since they worked in the same building and of course the very same agency.

Dr. Olson turned around and threw JJ a big smile as she extended her hand. ''Hello, I am Dr. Debra Olson. It's nice to meet you, Agent Jareau.'' she said as she pointed for JJ to sit down on the couch across from the chair.

JJ took a quick look around the office. One wall was covered by shelves with books on it and behind the seating arrangements was a desk with pictures and some files on it. It was typical office, yet she felt rather comforted by its appearance. Which she knew was the point. ''Please call me JJ.'' she corrected as she sat back in the couch. She put her hands on her legs and waited for the doctor to start whatever had to happen. JJ never had therapy in her life before, not even after her sister's death. She had been used to dealing with feeling on her own. It was how she always lived. It was her own way of surviving tragedy.

Dr. Olson took a file from the desk and put it on her lap after she sat down. She opened it to the first page and looked at it, reminding the details she had read earlier. ''I've read your file and I have to say you've had a very impressive career so far.'' she commented to give JJ a sense of her accomplishments before they were going to dive into the real problems. ''How do you feel about it?''

''I am very grateful for where I am today. I wouldn't change a thing.'' she replied and as soon as the words rolled out of her mouth, she realized she just gave her something to ask more questions about. So she quickly collected herself and tried to be cool. ''I do what I love.''

''What problem do you want to start with?'' she asked, hoping to plant a seed. She knew JJ worked as a profiler and would be able to hide her true emotions, so she was going to be blunt to see where the blonde stood and how she was really doing.

''I don't have a problem.'' JJ stated simply.

As a response Debra went to the back of the file, knowing that was the reason for her ordered visit to her. She took out copies of a ten pages long that formed JJ's entire statement. She looked through it and stopped at a page where the pain and emotion was detectable from the words scribbled down on the paper. ''I quote:,'' she began. ''In order to get the codes to Integrity, Tivon Askari threatened to kill Matt Cruz. I bargained with Askari to let Matt live…and…and…then a shot was fired. I thought he was dead. That they had killed him. That I had killed him.'' she stopped there and saw that the emotions in JJ were surfacing. She knew JJ hadn't actually been the one to write the statement but it was the one she had given in words to her former bosses at the State Department.

JJ felt herself choke up at the words. Her words. The words that came out of her mouth when she gave her statement in the hospital. She barely remembered her visit there, but those words were burnt into her memory. She didn't need to hear them all over again. ''What do you want to know?'' JJ asked angrily, very well knowing that the woman across from her knew what game she was prepared to play. ''Do you want to know how I feel? How much I remember from that day? How much I have changed because of everything that happened? If I still feel that aching pain in my chest? The fear of dying?''

''Well, this is a start.'' she let JJ know as her voice turned compassionate and softer. ''I am not here to make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed, JJ. I am here to help you deal with your trauma. To talk about it so you can find a way to move forward with your life.''

''I know.'' JJ agreed, still a little doubtful but she felt a connection with the woman because she was friendly and respectful. ''But it feels like this more an assessment for Agent Hotchner.'' she admitted as the fear crept back into her consciousness. She was afraid that Hotch had been so supportive because he wanted to know how capable she was, and that thought scared her. He had been there, like a true friend would, and she didn't want to lose the friendship that was starting to intensify.

''This is an assessment to evaluate whether you're ready for work or not, but I won't disclose any personal details to your supervisor without your consent.'' Debra reassured. ''You can trust me.''

''Okay,''

''Can you tell me when you feel like everything changed?'' she asked to start up conversation with the blonde who seemed to be open to the idea of therapy. ''Where do you believe it all went wrong?''

JJ sat back, flashing back to the day she had to leave behind her friends, her family. She remembered that day by heart. It was the day of her transfer. ''My life changed when I was forced to transfer out of the BAU and it was about a month later that I found out my transfer was actually a backstop. I didn't know that until I was actually in Afghanistan.'' she went on, the emotion of guilt and regret poured into her voice. ''There I met with Erin Strauss and was introduced to Matt Cruz and…and Michael Hastings.'' she stammered. The name sent the chills down her body and caused her to tense up immediately. ''From there on I witnessed and experienced more pain and suffering than I thought possible.''

''What was the difference with the work you did at the BAU?'' Debra asked for clarification.

''There wasn't really a difference, but…'' she tried to explain and stopped for a moment to find the right words. ''but the work I did in Afghanistan had even more weight than anything else I had ever experienced before. People died all the time and to keep myself from falling apart, I became distant and hardened and I've carried that with me ever since.''

''Your boss mentioned you suffered a loss while you were away in Afghanistan.'' she said simple. ''Do you want to tell me about it?''

JJ knew exactly what she meant by it, and it immediately made her close up. ''What exactly did he tell you?''

''He told me one of his concerns was that you hadn't been honest with your husband about losing your baby.''

JJ leaned forward, not knowing what to say or how to feel. Was she supposed to be happy with Hotch's concern? Or angry for telling a stranger the one thing she wanted to keep private? She just didn't know. But the anger quickly took over her body language as she rose from the couch and walked to the door without saying a word. She put her hand on the knob and turned around to face the woman who was shocked by her sudden response. ''Thanks for the talk, but I think I'll find someone outside of the FBI for this!'' she said and she gently shut the door to leave as polite as possible. She walked past the chipper brunette and once she walked into the hallway, she finally let her frustrations be known. Luckily the hallway was empty and no one was there to judge. But she still ran into the restroom and locked the door behind her. She leaned against it and tried to keep herself from breaking down on the floor. She had to force herself to take steady breaths, as the words of the therapist raced through her head as if it was the only thing she knew. _Losing your baby. Honest. Husband. _Those words haunted her every single day. Living with such a big secret was painful and stressful. But it was even worse that she lost a precious baby to begin with. It was something so private, so heartbreaking that she couldn't believe that Hotch told it to another person.

* * *

**''Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks.****''**

**~ Isaac Watts**


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

I am still a little disappointed with the show to be honest. They haven't dealt with anything JJ has gone through and I just can't believe it was so easy for her to return. I really do hope the show is going to give us something. I guess only time can tell.

Special thanks to KatieThomas'95, JJmyst, Christiangirl, BAUMember and jenny crum!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**'**'**Silence is a source of great strength.****''**

**~ Lao Tzu**

* * *

JJ was standing in the elevator when the doors opened to the right floor. She stepped off with hesitance and the fear of bursting into tears before her entire team. She should have known better than to trust so easily, even if he was someone she had known for years. She hadn't been that personal with him since she left. She had shared intimate and life changing memories with him, and she never thought he would use one of them against her. Especially since they had such a great time the night before with their two kids. It was fun and normal. It was something she hadn't experienced in months and it gave her some hope for the future. A future, that now seemed to have vanished right before her eyes.

So she stalked into the bullpen, her eyes connecting with her favorite genius, giving her the power to push away the blurriness in her eyes. She greeted them all with excitement and a smile on her face, trying to reassure the concern they harbored for her. She never meant for any of them to be hurt by what happened to her. They were her family, and she didn't want any of them to be in pain. She wouldn't be able to handle it.

''Briefing starts in ten!'' she said quickly as she passed by the desks to make her way up the catwalk. Unfortunately she had left her files and notes in Hotch's office when they had chosen the case together. So she prepared herself to walk into his office and to stay calm because she felt like scolding him for his words to a therapist she hadn't known before.

She stopped in front of the door and let her hand collide with wood. She waited for his voice to be heard before she stepped inside. She left the door open behind her and nearly ran to his desk to get her files. She spotted them on the edge of his desk so she put her hands on them, all the while ignoring his gaze. She was about to pull the file with her when his hand covered it and kept her from taking it.

He straightened his back and leaned forward in his chair, surprised by JJ's quick actions. ''What are you doing, JJ?''

She backed away from the desk, ready to leave the office if he was going to ask too many questions. ''I…uhm…am preparing for the briefing.'' she replied easily. ''I told the team to be in the conference in ten minutes. I really have to go, Hotch.''

He rose from his chair and passed her by. He closed the door to his office with a soft thud and then stepped in front of the suspicious liaison. ''Why are you back this early?''

''It went excellent!'' JJ shot back, her underlying tone filled with rage and hurt.

He looked through his blinds and noticed that the team had their eyes on his office, so he decided to keep his voice down and keep a distance, but JJ's obvious remark was meant for him. ''Your comment was obviously meant for me.'' he said simply. ''What's bothering you?''

She took a step back to put more distance between them when his presence so close started to bother her. She looked up to meet his eyes and felt a wave of confidence wash over. Something told her to not hold back with him and to just be straight up and honest about what was really bothering her. ''You told her about the baby.'' JJ expressed with watering her eyes. She was on the verge of crying as she watched his face tighten and tense up at her words. ''I told you that in confidence, Hotch. No one besides Matt knows about it, and you just told her about it like it meant nothing.'' she went on, finally feeling good about expressing her feelings to him. ''I trusted you enough to tell you. Why did you do it?''

He froze for a moment while he tried to figure out which person to be. Either her boss or her friend. He so desperately wanted to be her friend and apologize for his actions, but he couldn't. He was her boss. It was as simple as that. ''I have a responsibility to you and this team and I did what was necessary.'' he replied as he watched the pain in JJ's eyes surface without any control from her side. ''I simply did what I thought was right.''

''I get that this wasn't easy for you, but I expected you to be my friend for a chance and I can see that didn't last very long, sir.'' she said distantly. ''I am going to prepare the conference room for the briefing now.''

Hotch quickly walked towards the door and blocked her path. He wasn't about to let her walk about while she was obviously hurt by what he did. It was only adding to the amount of worry he already carried around for her. ''JJ, please understand!''

''No!'' she finally snapped. ''I don't understand and I definitely won't!

He swallowed back his fear of losing their friendship in order to continue their conversation. ''I was trying to protect you!''

''No, you didn't. You just betrayed me.'' she breathed out and she slipped past him and closed the door behind him.

Hotch was stunned by her response. She had managed to stay so calm when she was obviously on the verge of a breakdown. He watched as she moved towards the bullpen doors to probably get another set of the files she had left on his desk to get out of his office.

He felt the tears pooling in his eyes as he watched her disappear from his sight, and because of his famous control he managed to get back to his desk and go back to his paperwork.

* * *

The briefing ran smooth as JJ quickly fell back into her old role of presenting the case to her colleagues. It was fairly obvious that Hotch had already informed the team of her new role when no questions were asked or words were thrown her way. So she had started the briefing quickly and it felt like she never left the job of media liaison as she presented them with the next case that was taking them to Miami Beach. But the effect on her had changed. She could barely look at the pictures without feeling what the young women felt when they had been stabbed with overkill. She didn't want to imagine it, but it was a force of habit after what she had been through. She had gotten a different look and as she watched her team rising from their chairs to leave for the plane, she felt relieved that she was ordered to stay at the BAU. Which was the safest ground for her to stand on. She watched Blake, Reid, Rossi and Hotch leave. But not before Hotch gave her a long look of concern and something else. Something she couldn't put into words. His eyes had darkened and his face had relaxed when he looked at her before he followed the others out. And as she turned off the screen it stayed with her. It hit the replay button. But a sudden voice from behind her made her jump from her haze and forced her back into reality.

''Everything alright?'' Derek asked her as he stood in the doorway.

''Yeah, I am. It's going to take me some time to settle back into work. But I'll be fine.'' she tried to reassure, but from the look on his face she realized it would take more convincing than that. ''I just need some time, Derek. I promise.''

''You know you can talk to me, right?'' he said sweetly, his voice gentle in a way he didn't show very often. ''I am here for you, baby girl!''

''I know!'' JJ said as she looked out the window to see the team gathered in front of the elevators. ''You should go. The team is waiting. Be safe!''

''Yeah, you take care!''

JJ waited for the team to leave and disappear from her sight before she walked out of the conference room and into the hallway. She knew she could go to her office and begin to look through new cases that were coming in, but instead she choose to go to Garcia's office. She definitely needed some time with her friend and it seemed like the perfect moment. She hadn't had much time to spend with her quirky tech friend and she missed their girl's nights out, especially since Emily wasn't around. That made it even harder for the both of them.

JJ opened the door to Garcia's office and watched her type away at keyboards like she was freight train. She was incredibly fast and JJ had always been amazed by her skills. Garcia was an amazing asset to their and couldn't be missed or else the lives of the team would be that much harder.

''You can say something, you know!'' Garcia said happily as her eyes stayed on the computer screen while she heard JJ coming in. She turned away from her screens and watched as her blonde friend sat down in the chair opposite of her. ''You okay?'' she asked when she noticed that JJ looked at little dazed.

JJ nodded slightly and then decided to change the subject to defer any questions about her or her wellbeing. ''Have you talked to Emily lately?''

''No, actually. I believe she's working on a big case so she doesn't have much time for it.'' Garcia said from memory. ''She told me about a week ago. Why?''

''I just miss her a lot.'' she admitted sadly as she thought about one of her best friends. Emily had been the one to talk in her time of need and they had shared a certain understanding about their jobs. Emily, like JJ, knew well enough what it was like to keep secrets from the people you loved no matter what. JJ just missed talking to someone who understood, even if it was just playing online scrabble. She missed her friend. A lot. ''It was a shame that she had to go back so soon after…'' JJ tried to say but she stopped mid-sentence when she was about to talk about her disappearance. Even the slightest thought made her shiver and reminded her of it all. She was lucky to be alive, but she just didn't know how to ever forget what had happened to her.

''Yeah, it was way too short. But we'll see her again, JJ.'' Garcia encouraged, hoping she could lighten her friend up just a little. JJ didn't look anything like she should. She was just staring into the distance without any joy or passion in her eyes and Garcia wasn't going to settle for that. ''Tonight! Us! Together in a bar with lots of drinks!'' she exclaimed.

''Pen, I don't know.'' JJ tried to say but she was caught off before another word could leave her mouth.

''We are going out tonight and I'm not taking no for an answer. It is time that you have some fun!'' she went on in complete happiness. ''And I think Will and Sam should tag along. It's time that the couples have some fun tonight!''

JJ returned Penelope's rant with a small smile, realizing she was just acting like herself. So against her own judgment she wasn't going to say no. And she knew a night out might be the one thing that she and Will desperately needed. ''Sure!'' JJ agreed halfheartedly. ''I'll text Will and the nanny so we can go tonight. And I can't wait to meet Sam, Pen!''

''Oh, this is going to be so much fun.'' Penelope said as she turned back to her screens to focus on her work. It had been weeks, months even since she last had nice outing with her friend and it was relief that JJ was willing to go without a fight. It seemed like she was doing great and that all she could ask for her friend. So she turned her attention back to her screens with a feeling of utter greatness.

* * *

**''Any friendship or relationship is about a language.****''**

**~ Gina Bellman**


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

And I would also like to write a one-shot for my 100th reviewer as a way to say thank you for the amazing response I have gotten so far!

Special thanks to blackandblueangel, jenny crum, Christiangirl, JJmyst and Jareau37!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."****  
~ ****Mark Twain**

* * *

JJ stepped in front of the mirror, feeling a little bit uncertain about her plans for the night. But she knew a night out with Will and friends could be a great thing. It was a nice way to distract her from her nightmares, so she didn't put much effort into saying she didn't want to go. She was going and she'd try to make the best of it. She just had to shake the feeling she was carrying with her. She couldn't put it into words. Ever since before Hotch left, she couldn't rid herself of the intense gaze he had given her. It meant something. But what did it mean? Or was she just overthinking things? She wished more than anything that she had an answer to that question, but she felt she'd never get one.

So she gazed back into the mirror and straightened her outfit. She was wearing tight jeans with heels and a nice tank top. It was easy but nice and she felt pretty good about herself as she looked into the mirror. She turned around and grabbed her purse from the nightstand, ready to meet Will out on the driveway. She was surprised that he was willing to go out after he had a long day of work. He had just gotten home and changed and then started the car so they were ready to leave. To JJ it seemed like he was at least trying to make an effort to fix their problems. It meant something to her.

A feeling in her gut just told her that one night out could never be enough to make their problems go away. But she promised herself to have fun and let loose for once, instead of worrying about everything around her and she knew some alcohol would help her a long way.

She closed the door behind her and breathed in the fresh air that hit her as soon as she stepped outside. The neighborhood was quiet and peaceful, giving her a feeling of sanity as she stepped inside the car. She put her purse on her lap and pulled the door close. She gazed to her side and watched as Will focused on pulling out of the driveway.

He looked at JJ when he was driving on the road, putting his hand on her knee. ''This is nice.'' he whispered sweetly as he kept his eyes on the road.

''Yeah, it is. I guess we really need this.'' she said while looked ahead of her. ''Have you closed the case yet? Any suspects?''

''We actually closed the case today. A witness was scared to come forward but I promised to keep her safe and then she finally caved in. She had seen the killer's face so after that it wasn't that hard to find him.'' he replied, thinking back to the case. It wasn't a usual case and it had definitely put some things into perspective for him. Life was short. He always knew that, but given his situation with JJ he needed a reality check and he had definitely gotten it. ''What kind of case are you working on?''

JJ sighed deeply before responding to his question. It instantly caused the pictures to flash before her eyes. Young women, like her, stabbed horrifically. It was another case that made her question humanity. It even made her question the world. She hated to feel so powerless, so hopeless. She wanted to help, not sit behind a desk at Quantico and prepare press releases and help Penelope find information that she could clearly find on her own. And after one day, JJ had quickly realized that she could never be a liaison again. At least not in the same capacity as before. She knew what it was like to be in the field and to do something more important. She needed that back, but that meant she had to talk to her supervisor. The man she had left in anger, so she knew that was a long shot.

She suddenly realized her mind had taken on a life of its own when she heard Will clear his throat. Her eyes shut up to meet his for a moment. ''It's a bad one.'' she managed to say before going into any of the details. ''Young women have gone missing in Miami Beach and are found about two days later, stabbed and undressed in alleys and dumpsters. The unsub is treating these women like trash.'' she said with frustration in her voice. It was nearly taking over, but she managed to stay in control of her emotions.

''Well, there you have your answer.''

JJ knew he was trying to help, but the team had said that the moment the pictures appeared in front of them. It was just stating the obvious. Their unsub hated women. But it got them nowhere. Hotch had given a press release to warn the women fitting the unsub's type. Penelope had been working on the backgrounds of the four victims, but nothing came up. There was nothing suspicious and they weren't connected in any way. They were strangers, so they weren't any closer to catching him. She just hoped they eventually would. She had been wrecking her brain all day, trying to figure out what truly drove the unsub, but she couldn't face the files. It was too damn hard to face the bloody corpses. ''The team is working on it. They're probably still in the station as we speak.''

''I believe that.'' Will agreed, knowing Hotch was a workaholic. Well, the entire team was. And it wasn't just that. It was the demand of their jobs. They barely had time for their families and he had experienced that with JJ. When she was with the State Department it was all much easier. She was at least home on the weekends and with the BAU even that couldn't be guaranteed. ''I am glad you're here, JJ.''

''So am I!'' she whispered back at him. She leaned back in the seat and watched out the window as they passed people on the streets and the buildings. She watched as everything disappeared in the distance and it made her wonder what was happening in their lives. Were they happy? Or unhappy? Were they struggling like her? Or were they living a carefree life? The life she so desperately longed for, but didn't seemed to get.

* * *

The bar had become stuffy and crowded after the two couples had already spent two long hours together. It had been a great night for JJ and Penelope to do something as friends while the two men had some bonding time by having discussions. The night had been a great success for all of them.

And as JJ sat next to Penelope at the bar, she didn't feel a worry in the world. It might have been because of the shots and beers she had taken, but she felt good for once. Great even. So she faced the bartender and held up her hand, ordering two more shots.

''Wow! JJ!'' Penelope exclaimed happily as two more shots were put in front of them. ''You're on fire, girl.''

JJ giggled profusely and downed the shot within seconds. She slammed it on the counter and quickly jumped from the stool. ''I think Will and I should go.'' she suggested. ''Time for some loving!''

Penelope watched as JJ practically ran from her seat and flew across the bar and into Will's arms. It was after her remark that she finally realized that JJ was nothing like herself. Yes, she did know how to have fun when they went out. But the girl she saw in the bar wasn't the JJ she knew. It was a girl who used drinks to forget about her troubles and it worried her more than anything. She only wanted her friend to be happy and to not be worried. But JJ obviously wasn't happy.

So Penelope walked back to the table and found both Will and JJ with their coats on, ready to leave the bar. ''Already going?'' she questioned, hoping Will caught her glare.

''Yeah, it's time to go home.'' he said flatly with his arm wrapped around JJ's waist. ''It was nice to meet you, Sam. See you later, Penelope!'' he said after shaking Sam's hand.

''I'll see you tomorrow, Pen.'' JJ whispered before she and Will turned around and pushed their way through the bar.

Penelope wanted to say another word, but it was already too late. She slammed a bill onto the table and made her way outside, followed by Sam. She didn't say a word to him because her mind was with the blonde. She was far more than just concerned. She was scared for her. She could still remember that JJ mentioned her sex life with Will had become nonexistent after her abduction. It was a short comment that JJ had dropped but she immediately realized what was going on. JJ just wasn't ready and she was afraid she was about to do something she couldn't take back. Even she saw that JJ and Will weren't the same they once were. Usually they couldn't be away from one another for one second and now they spent the entire night apart except for drinks at the beginning. It just wasn't right anymore.

''Pen?'' Sam asked as his girlfriend kept walking down the street, even passing the car. So he ran past her and stopped right in front of her. ''Pen, what's going on?''

''I..I…uhh…I have to go, Sam. I am so sorry. But there's something I need to do.'' she rambled on. ''I'll take a cab. And I promise I'll make up for tonight.'' she smirked. She leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the lips before she made her towards the cab, ready to do whatever it took to get JJ some help.

* * *

Hotch was glued to the desk in his hotel room with the case files before him. He had been going over it for hours at a time and he could recall every tiniest detail. It was one of those cases that wasn't as easy as it seemed to be. It was actually very complicated, but that wasn't what bothered him. It was the blonde stunner. Well, his subordinate and he couldn't stop thinking about their altercation in his office. For him it was filled with tension and he soon enough realized that JJ felt betrayed by his involvement with her wellbeing. But he wasn't about to back down. He wouldn't, but he knew it was more about the fact that he couldn't. He couldn't stop protecting her, like he always felt like he had to. JJ was his friend, and he wasn't about to lose another member of his team. They had suffered too much already, and he knew losing JJ would their absolute downfall.

He was about to pick up his phone to call her when the Penelope's name filled his screen. He wondered why she was calling him around midnight. It wasn't supposed to be about work. He knew she went home around eight, so it had to be about something else. And then it snapped right into place. JJ. It was probably about JJ.

''Hotchner.'' he said sternly, his voice calm and collected.

Penelope was sitting in a cab when she heard the voice of her boss. She felt her concern rise and she knew he was the right person to call. He had obviously been talking with JJ since she returned, so he was really the only one with a good insight into how she was dealing with her past. _''Hi, sir!'' _she said quickly. _''I am sorry to call you this late, but it's urgent.''_

He rose from the chair and walked around the room to try to calm his nerves. ''It's fine, Garcia. What's going on?''

''_JJ and I went out tonight with Will…and…uh…well we went out tonight and she was really drunk and I am afraid she is out of control.'' _Penelope rambled on, her voice filled with worry and devastation. She didn't want to get into the details of JJ's personal life, but she had to disclose some information to their boss. _''She isn't like herself, Hotch. I am so worried about her.''_

''Is she with Will?'' Hotch asked as soon as he realized that she was being extremely serious. It only made his insides crumble when he heard that JJ was drunk and acting nothing like herself. He had an image in mind, but he quickly pushed himself away from it because he was her boss. He couldn't cross that line. Not that line. Never. Ever. He would never do that. ''Garcia, is she with Will?'' he repeated when he didn't receive an answer.

''_She is. But she's not thinking straight right now. She can't be alone right now. Not with him.'' _she expressed.

''I'll try to call her.'' Hotch suggested. ''I'll let you know when I've talked to her. I promise.'' he whispered into the phone, knowing she was just as worried as he was. There were moments when he actually believed that JJ was recovering and facing her problems. But her being drunk in a bar wasn't a recovery, it was denial. Just plain and simple denial and someone needed to remind JJ of everything she stood to lose if she kept going the way she had so far. Someone needed to help her.

* * *

**"Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike."****  
****~ J.K. Rowling**


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope everyone likes it! And of course I would like to thank everyone for the ongoing support for this story. It means the world to me.

Special thanks to jenny crum, guest, guest (You were 100th reviewer so if you read this let me know if you have a request for a one-shot.) and Christiangirl!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**"Life is like riding a bicycle. ****To keep your balance, you must keep moving."****  
~ ****Albert Einstein**

* * *

JJ was pressed against the wall of her bedroom, her husband's body covering hers as he pressed soft kisses to her neck. His hands traveled up and down her body as he took in the moment. But JJ barely moved, the hands on her sides reminding her of Hastings. She opened her eyes to force herself to look at the man in front of her, trying to remind herself that it was just Will, not the ghost from her nightmares. It was her husband, the man she loved and was supposed to trust.

But when his hands slipped under her shirt, she pushed him off of her with such force that he nearly fell onto the bed with an expression of complete disbelief. JJ looked away and ignored his intense stare as she pulled her tank top down her body. She wiped at the first tear that fell down her cheek and she turned around to hide her pain from Will, her body shaking from the fear. She was once again back in that moment. A moment where she couldn't more or do anything to escape. She was stuck, like she had been in those chains. And even out of them she felt the exact same way. Like there was no way out. She could only wait for someone to take charge of her faith. It was all she knew. All she had come to known.

Will moved away from the bed and carefully walked towards JJ. He put his hand on her shoulder as she cringed in response. It was the first time he had seen her like that. So broken and so scared. So he gently turned her around, but she kept turning away from him. He pulled back to give her the distance she obviously needed. He sat down on the edge of the bed as her body shook of its own volition. He just didn't know what he could do. He had no idea. He tried to embrace her, but she pulled away.

The tears streamed down her face as she was kneeled on the ground, a voice inside of her telling her to run away, to storm out of her own house and to never come back. She didn't feel safe. She didn't feel at home. Her sense of security had been ripped away from her, and it was bad enough that her own husband couldn't even comfort her. She was stuck. Just completely stuck in a moment of time she had no way of running away from, even though it was the only thing she felt like doing. She had been forcing herself to be happy and to appreciate her life, but it wasn't working. She just felt empty, and she no longer knew how to come back from all the hurt she had been put through.

* * *

Ten minutes passed by as the bedroom was still filled with an aching silence, leaving both JJ and Will feeling a sense of dread. For both of them this moment had been a long time coming. A moment in which they had to seriously consider how badly JJ was actually doing, and neither of them wanted to admit it. But someone had to be logical and take charge of the situation. They couldn't go on much longer, pretending as if they were both happy when it just wasn't the case. It wasn't helping anyone and in the end it would only hurt Henry.

''JJ, can we talk about this?'' Will pleaded as he moved off the bed and slowly walked towards her. She didn't move so he took it as a sign to proceed. He carefully kneeled down next to her and put his hand on her shoulder and this time she didn't pull away or cringe at his touch. It put him at ease a little, but she obviously had a long road ahead of her. ''We can't go on like this, honey.''

JJ was about to speak up and look at him when the shrilling sound of her phone caused her to jump up from the ground. She hurried out of the bedroom and made her way downstairs where their coats were scattered on the floor along with her purse. She bent down and quickly took out her phone without really looking at the number. She had been ignoring most calls and messages all night, but this time she wasn't going to ignore it anymore.

''Agent Jareau!'' she greeted professionally as she dropped down to the sofa that stood in the middle of the living room.

Hotch breathed out a sigh of relief when he heard her voice over the phone. It meant she hadn't made a mistake like Penelope thought she was about to. _''JJ?'' _he asked for reassurance, trying to push his own worries to the side. _''It's me.''_

''Hotch? How can I help you?''

''_I just wanted to…uh…talk to you. JJ, I am so sorry!'' _he apologized as his throat tightened. He felt the tension from both sides rise, and feeling that through a conversation on the phone made him wonder if he hadn't made the worst mistake in his life to tell the therapist what was going on in JJ's life. He suddenly felt the guilt wash over him, and he realized made a mistake. _''JJ, say something… Please!''_

''It's fine, Hotch. I overacted. You're my boss so I have to understand why you did what you did.'' she said simply. She heard the honesty and pain in his voice and it nearly killed her, but she had to keep her distance from him. She had trusted him and he went behind her back, so it had opened her eyes.

''_I don't want to be your boss, JJ.'' _he croaked out. _''I want to be your friend first. I want you to come to me when you feel bad like you did in the past few days. I want to be there. And please don't shut me out for a mistake I made!''_

JJ sat straight up on the couch, her mind racing a mile a minute. She didn't know what to do or even say. Everything was mixed up. She felt like she belong nowhere and she knew coming back to work definitely hadn't been the answer for her. But she didn't know what the right thing would be. She wondered if she was ever going to find it. ''I…I…'' she stumbled as she tried to cover up the tears that ran down her cheek. But the shaking and stuttering over her voice probably told him more than enough. ''I just need more time to figure things out. Coming back to work was a mistake.''

''_Take all the time you need, JJ.'' _

She smiled weakly at the fact that he understood her need for more time. And she knew he was being a friend in that very moment. He wasn't concerned about filling her spot or giving her even more time than she had already taken. He supported her, and that made her feel a little better. ''Thanks.'' she expressed affectionately.

''_We're good right? JJ?''_

''We're good. I'll see you soon!'' JJ said sadly before hanging up the phone. She threw it to the other end of the couch and soon enough realized she made the right choice. What she needed was time. Time to figure out what she wanted, who she was, and how to deal with the fallout from her ordeal with Askari and Hastings. Time was the only thing that could help her recover. So she knew exactly what that meant.

She rose from the couch slowly and made her way towards the stairs with steady steps. But she froze when her eyes fell upon Will, who was sitting on the middle of the staircase with a dazed expression. She took a few steps back and accidently stumbled against the chair across from the couch. She winced out and cut back her cursing in anger as she stood behind the chair.

''Who was that?'' he questioned with a hint of disappointment in his voice because JJ had stormed off for a call without talking to him first.

She breathed in deeply, trying to gather up the courage she needed to tell him what she wanted next. It would take her more than courage, she knew that. But it was what she wanted, but more importantly, it was what she needed. ''It was Hotch. I asked him for some time off.''

''Time for what?'' he said with confusion while he got up from the stairs. He walked towards JJ and when he stood across from her, he left some distance between them. ''JJ, time for what? I thought you were ready to be back at work?''

''I am not ready, Will. I think tonight proved that. Don't you think?'' she snapped, feeling angry at him for thinking she was ready, that she felt strong enough to face the horrors of her job, especially after what he had just faced a few minutes earlier. ''I am not ready for any of this, Will! I'm not ready to go back to work and I'm not ready for us!''

His heart stopped and so did his breathing as he tried to deal with the words she just expressed. It felt like a punch to the face, but he kept himself calm, even though he wanted to yell and scream at her more than anything. ''You want a divorce?''

''No, that's not what I want!'' she responded. ''I want time to figure out what I want because I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I need to get away from all of it and find myself again.''

''Where do you want to go?''

''My mom has asked me to come to East-Allegheny several times, so I think I might go down there and help her out.'' she explained simply, her heart racing in her chest and she watched his face filling with anger and disappointment. ''I thought Henry could stay here until summer break and then he could come live with me for a while.''

''And what does this mean, JJ?'' he asked logically. ''How long will you be gone? When will I see my son again? And will we ever be together again?''

JJ moved towards him and took his hands in hers, knowing this was hard on both of them. She was probably tearing her family apart, but she could no longer stay in a house where she felt so unsafe and alone. She needed different surroundings to move forward, and then they could revisit their marriage. ''Will, I love you!'' she croaked out with watery eyes. ''But we haven't been happy for a long time. We can't keep going on like this.'' she went on. ''And I think a separation might be best for both of us.''

He pulled away from her in complete disbelief. It wasn't what he wanted, but he had to support her. He loved her and he couldn't stand to lose JJ because he was too stubborn. ''Okay,'' he agreed in a whisper. ''But I want to talk to Henry every single day on Skype or the phone when he's over there.''

''Of course! I would never take him away from you, Will. Never!''

''When are you leaving?''

''I am going to leave tomorrow morning.'' she admitted, making it known to him that she was in rush to leave and to get away from DC.

The room fell silent as both of them realized this was actually goodbye. They had no idea how long it would take before they would see each other again. Maybe weeks, months even. The word year wasn't something either of them wanted to use. But JJ feared it would take her longer than she dared to say in that moment. So she stayed quiet and stared around the living room of the house that once felt like a warm home to her. Now it was just filled with sadness and heartbreak, and she hoped that would change in the future, because she could no longer live like a ghost in her very own home where she lived with her family.

* * *

**"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."****  
****Dr. Seuss**


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to KatieThomas'95, Christiangirl, JJmyst and jenny crum!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect."****  
~ ****Margaret Mitchell**

* * *

The drive to East-Allegheny had been without any troubles and as JJ had been focused on the road, her mind had been in overdrive. She didn't regret her decision, but she couldn't help but wonder if she wasn't betraying Will in a way. Leaving him behind wasn't easy but she needed a fresh start, a place to start over and get back to who she was. It was all a lot to think about. If she was honest it was too much for her to handle. Everything in her life had changed and she no longer knew which way she was supposed to go. Was she supposed to be in DC? Could she keep working at the BAU? If not, could she leave behind her family? Was she happy with Will?

Those were all questions that needed to be answered, but the hardest question, the most difficult to answer was one she didn't dare to ask. But she knew it would turn up one way or the other. It was just the simple reality, but for now she had pushed it to the side and forced herself to focus on her other troubles. They were hard enough as it was.

Once she pulled up in the familiar street, the memories of her childhood came rushing back. She hadn't been back home in years because of her busy schedule. And another part of her didn't deem it necessary. The small town might have been filled with family moments, but for the most part it reminded her of Rosaline. She always tried to run away from that, and standing in front of her childhood home wasn't really helping her push the memories away.

She set one foot forward as she swung her go bag over her shoulder with her hand. She opened the small gate and walked onto the grass. It was the place where she learned to play soccer. It was where she started a part of her future. Soccer had been her way out of the small town and if it hadn't been her sister teaching her, JJ would've never gotten away from that life. So she stopped for a moment and breathed in the fresh air as she closed her eyes, imagining herself running around with her sister. It put a big smile on her face when she thought back at those days and if it wasn't for the excited voice coming from the house she would've been frozen in the yard for another couple of minutes to relish in moments of the past. Moments in which her entire family was still with her. Now, she only had her mother left.

''JJ!'' Sandy called out as she carefully descended the steps of her porch. She walked towards her daughter as she watched her think deeply. She waited a few seconds until JJ finally flew into her arms.

''Hey, mom!'' JJ whispered with ease as she hugged her tightly. She finally pulled and stared back up at the house in wonder. ''Nothing has changed.'' she breathed out, her voice filled with a hint of sadness.

''Let's go inside, sweetie.'' Sandy said as she turned back around and made her way back into the house.

JJ waited before finally following her mother inside. And once she did, she slowly made her way into the house and she immediately saw that even on the inside nothing had changed. The pictures on the wall were the same, the furniture hadn't been moved and she noticed that her father's favorite chair was still in the corner of the living room, even though her mother always hated it. She guessed it was true testament of her mother's love for her father, or it was of holding onto the pain her mother was experiencing. It had been over ten years since her dad died. JJ was in college at that time, so she couldn't believe that her own mother was still holding onto his life so strongly. But it wasn't her place to argue, so she followed the older woman into the dining room and sat down at the table.

''I'll pour us some tea!'' Sandy said hastily as she disappeared into the kitchen, leaving JJ alone in the room. But it only took about a minute before she was back and sitting down across from her daughter. It was then that she noticed something different in JJ. She knew JJ changed the moment she joined the FBI. She was still the sweet girl she raised her to be, but she was more distant and over the years that became worse.

''How have you been?'' JJ asked to break the awkward silence that had begun to fill the room. She played with the cup of tea in front of her as she waited for an answer to her question.

''I am good.'' Sandy replied simply. ''You look thin, JJ. Too thin.'' she whispered sadly as she looked at her from head to toe. Her tank top showed how thin she really was and the cardigan was too loose. It was too big for her tiny frame. And even though JJ had always been thin, she was always fit and in good shape. But now she just looked unhealthy. ''What's going on?''

''I've just been tired. I'll be fine. It's the reason I took some time off.'' she explained hesitantly. Her mother didn't know anything about her ordeal two months earlier. JJ had expressed to Will that she didn't want her mother to know. She was all that was left in her mother's life, so she wasn't about to give her a near heart attack because of something that happened. ''I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to come back here.'' she croaked out with difficulty. She really hated it. She hadn't been home in a long time and now that she was back it felt both good and bad at once. But she knew it was the right thing for her at the moment.

''It's alright, JJ.'' Sandy reassured quickly when she noticed that JJ was struggling with something. Something about her daughter was different. She looked even more cautious than ever before, and the joy had disappeared from her blue eyes. It made her wonder what was going on, but she decided to give JJ the privacy she knew she wanted. If anything JJ was much like her and she knew what privacy meant to herself, so she would come back to the subject in the future, knowing that JJ wanted to stay for at least a month.

* * *

_**One week later…**_

It was about a week later when Hotch finally decided to inform the team about JJ's recent decision to take more time off. He had been able to put it off while they were away in Miami Beach for the case, but he could no longer hide it since they were back at Quantico. So he put his go bag down in the office and immediately walked back out of his office and towards the desks of his colleagues. He stopped for a moment as he watched Derek and Penelope hug while Blake, Rossi and Reid were in conversation, laughing the whole time. He realized he was about to give the team some bad news. All of them knew that taking time off meant that JJ just wasn't ready to come back yet. But the big question was, the one that scared him the most, was she ever coming back? He couldn't think about it as a friend and even as her boss, but he had responsibilities towards his team and the FBI. If she wasn't coming back he had to discuss a temporary replacement with Cruz. Missing one profiler meant more work for the others and their job was already demanding enough.

As Hotch was lost in his thoughts, Derek instantly noticed that JJ wasn't with Penelope the moment they came in. So he looked around, his eyes searching for the slim blonde but he didn't see her anywhere. ''Baby girl, where's JJ?''

''Henry has been sick so she has been at home with him.'' Penelope replied playfully. ''We should visit…'' she tried to say when Hotch interrupted her as he called for the attention of the team.

Everyone turned around to face him, their faces filled with confusion and questions. Hotch sat down in one of the chairs with his hands clenched together as he faced the ground. And when he finally looked up they just knew. He had bad news. His body posture told it all, but his eyes almost gave away more.

''Henry isn't sick, is he?'' Penelope asked with worry.

Hotch shook his head in response. ''No, he isn't.'' he said. At that moment it was all he managed to get out. He didn't know where his words had gone or why he was so emotional all of a sudden. It was just a simple announcement to his team, a courtesy even. But it felt like so much more to him. It meant he wasn't going to see her face every day. It meant he wasn't going to talk to her anymore and just the thought was already killing him. Was he really supposed to feel that way? So emotional?

''What's going on, Aaron?'' Rossi asked boldly by calling him out by his given name. It was something he usually did when the two were alone. But in that moment he didn't give a damn about it. Something was going on with his friend and he had to know what it was.

Hotch finally looked up at his team and breathed in deeply before he began. ''JJ has decided to take a leave absence.'' he spoke out and before he could say another world the team was already throwing words at him that he could barely understand with all of them talking.

''Why?''

''She was fine last week!''

''Why did she lie to me?''

''Why didn't you tell us sooner?''

He rose from the chair and folded his arms across his chest as a response. ''Stop!'' he ordered as his voice turned professional again. ''I know we're all wondering why JJ made the decision to take another leave of absence.'' he began steadily. ''But it was her own choice and we don't have the right to question that.'' he went on. ''JJ is a valuable part of this team and working without her will be difficult but I know we can manage. She'll come back eventually.'' he said as he tried to convince himself of that fact.

Before anyone could give a response they were distracted by the man that walked inside the bullpen. He caught everyone's attention and the moment of silence gave Hotch a chance to walk away and go back into his office. He pushed the door shut behind him and dropped down on his couch anxiously. He felt like he had to do something to get her back and waiting around wasn't going to help anyone. But it was all he could do. Like he said, he didn't have the right to meddle in her life. He just didn't.

A knock on the door caused him to sit straight up. ''Come in!''

The door opened slowly and revealed the same man from earlier. It was Matt Cruz standing in his office and closing the door. He took a seat across from Hotch without an invitation, but Hotch didn't seem to mind.

''Welcome back!'' Hotch said stoically as he straightened himself.

''Thank you!'' Matt said, knowing there was the obvious subject the two men needed to talk about. He knew that the Unit Chief would do anything to protect his team and to protect JJ from any more harm. It was possibly the reason why she had gotten a paid leave of absence a second time. ''We need to talk about JJ.''

Hotch knew this was about to come his way. Lots of people would tell him he made a mistake to give her a leave of absence again and to trust that she'd return. But for him it wasn't just about trust. It was about protecting JJ and to help her in a way no one else could. He had seen her breakdowns and how broken she truly felt, he had seen it and he knew he made the right choice. ''What do you want to talk about?''

''I agree with the leave of absence.'' he assured quickly to let Hotch know he wasn't questioning his judgment. ''How has she been?''

''Emotional and very distant. Nothing like herself actually.''

''That was to be expected. She went through a lot in such a short period of time.'' Matt said sadly. ''She was trying to keep it together when she was being tortured but I could see the pain in her eyes. She was slowly giving up. It was heartbreaking to watch.''

''Why did you choose JJ of all people? Why didn't you say anything about the case when you started here?''

He breathed in deeply. He had chosen JJ for many reasons but it were her outstanding reviews that made his choice final. He needed a woman with a compassionate nature to connect with the female prisoners in Afghanistan and JJ had been the best fit. ''We hired her because of her outstanding records and reviews.''

''You took away who she was because it was convenient!'' Hotch shot back. ''You wanted her in Afghanistan because of her compassionate and sweet nature? Well, it might be the one thing that you ripped away from her!'' he blurted out in complete anger. JJ. His agent had been put through hell because she was a good person. She had been chosen for something she never wanted in the first place and it enraged him.

''I know you want to protect her, Hotchner, but JJ had every chance to walk away.''

''Walk away?'' he repeated. ''You took away the job she loved! You forced her out of the one place she belonged and it changed her forever.''

Matt rose from the chair. ''Look, I know you care about her. So do I!'' he said emotionally. ''I would've given my own life if it meant that she could've been spared all this pain. I would do it in a heartbeat.'' he said and watched as Hotch's expression softened at his response. They both cared for JJ, and it meant they both felt protective of her.

''I'm sorry!'' Hotch apologized.

''It's okay.'' Matt said as he walked towards the door and out of the office.

Hotch leaned back on his couch and put his hands on his head in frustration. His protectiveness of JJ was spiraling out of control, but he just couldn't help but wonder how different life would've been for her if the Cruz and Strauss hadn't decided to take JJ away from the BAU. Her life would've been so much better and she wouldn't have had to suffer. It pained him to know her faith could have been so much different, but there wasn't anything he could change about her current situation. He could only hope for the very best.

* * *

**"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. ****Powerful stuff."****  
****~ Jon Katz**


End file.
